As I’m sitting here listening to the waves of the Pacific crashing on the shore before the sun comes up to greet them, I can’t help but think about how I ended up here…not so much on how I’m on vacation, but how I’m where I am in my life.
The first 50 years of my life were littered with mistakes. I spent more time in my head thinking about what I’d do differently if I could go back and fix/change each mistake instead of being present to those around me. Every day I became obsessed with dwelling on my failures.
I came to the “fork in the road” this year…I’m very thankful to my therapist for challenging me to take a positive look at my life, and to better understand the things that trigger my negativity. I’ve had to let go to a number of unhealthy friendships – these were friends who felt the need to remind me of my mistakes and perceived shortcomings, or friends that were only “acquaintances by association.”
It’s definitely a journey….the hardest part about the fork in the road is letting go of the fear of what others think of me. In therapy I realized how a life of music makes this very challenging – auditions, being scored in competition, playing for non-appreciative audiences, etc. This has always consumed me, and this has made me conditioned to accept failure. Each day is a baby step – finding a way to “flip the switch” when my mind goes to the negative.
“We’re all unique, and we’re all gifted….no person is any better than any other.” I wish I’d heard that when I was younger, or at least could understand or have felt that way. I’m thankful that I have my life going forward to have a new, positive outlook. This is why I’m amazed at where I am right now – I never thought I’d be able to change my mindset, if not for the fork in the road.