beginnings…

“It’s only the beginning…only just the start.” – Chicago

This has been a week of discovery. I discovered that I have a new level of patience and empathy that I didn’t realize I had. I discovered just how much control I have over the crippling fear of self-doubt and failure that I’ve let define me. And over the last five days, I’ve learned to have compassion and forgiveness for people that I didn’t think was humanly possible.

I have dreaded the holiday season all year this year….the retail aspect of it, the gazillion TV specials and Christmas movies, all of it. Knowing that there would be indirect communication with Miss Vitriol was the “cherry on the sundae of crap” that was going to be my holiday season.

Over the last week or so, new experiences have really resonated with me – whether it was playing phenomenal music over the weekend, or finding calm in the adversity of two exhausting days in the office…I felt in a healthy way that my highs weren’t excessively high, and my lows weren’t excessively low. Normally I’d be thinking worst-case scenario when things went wrong, and that didn’t happen. Staying in the present on my gig and not thinking too far forward was enlightening.

The biggest “beginning” is knowing that I can forgive in a way that I’ve been afraid to forgive. Where I thought of forgiving those who truly wronged me was a sign of weakness and being dominated, having a different perspective has shown me just how empowering forgiveness can be.

I have decided to genuinely forgive Miss Vitriol. Although her actions were purely evil and very intentional, Jenn and I will show her nothing but kindness, as her issues with me are her issues, not mine.

Although many have inquired, Miss Vitriol is NOT my ex-wife. I’ve also forgiven her for the things that she’s done (and will continue to do) if not for my own sake, for the sake of my daughter. It’s not easy, but it’s feeling and believing that I’m the bigger person, regardless of how painful it can be when someone tries to tear me down.

I’m actually looking forward to the holidays – spending time with family and friends, showing appreciation to my staff and co-workers, and making new friends. It’s scary to think how my mindset has changed over the course of the past year…I look forward to many new and positive experiences (even negative experiences where I’ll have to show forgiveness) in the years ahead.

Forgiveness. Empathy. Compassion.Taking the high road and showing kindness. It’s much easier said than done, but it’s an outlook that I want to have and need to have every day.

Only the beginning. Only just the start.