the rabbit hole.

Some days there are things that trigger me….it can be a good trigger (usually tied to something musical), or a bad trigger. I had something that triggered me the other day, and I’ve been really trying not to let it consume me, but I’m struggling. This is what I refer to as “going down the rabbit hole.”

When I was in high school, my dad was a very popular and respected teacher at my school. There were students that would kiss up to him, and treat me and my brother like dog shit, for lack of a better term. As my dad did nothing to discourage this, it is something that I’ve never forgotten, nor will I ever forget. There are people in my life now that do that with me and Jenn, and it sometimes is a trigger. They either ignore me to my face like I don’t exist, or they only speak to me because other people they feel are more important are in the vicinity, and they have an image to maintain….seriously, ARE YOU THAT SHALLOW??? I’m not mentioning any names, but a lot of their lives revolve around acronyms….I’ll just leave it at that.

The situation with Lauryn only adds fuel to this fire…..the 10+ years that I’ve spent trying to be in her life as best I could now mean nothing to her (and I know why she’s been made to feel that way), and we may not speak again for years, or possibly never again. The feeling of detachment is truly hard to describe, as there are days when It feels like I’ve failed her as her dad. And that’s when I feel like I’m really down the rabbit hole.

Crosby, Stills & Nash have a lyric in one of their classic songs – “Don’t let the past remind us of what we are not now.” What if you feel surrounded by people who either think of you strictly because of your mistakes, or they just can’t forgive in general? What’s even worse is when you feel treated differently for no reason….I have one friend who seemed like a supportive person, and now they only communicate in one-word answers.

I know, don’t worry about what other people think….but what about when it’s your daughter, or people that put a wedge between you and your family, and know that they’re doing it and don’t care? These aren’t my friends, and I’m tired of being treated this way. Right now, I feel as if I’ve replaced my daughter with my dog, and I know that’s a horrible thing to say. Otto loves unconditionally – he doesn’t remember my mistakes and hold a grudge, and as “Human’s Best Friend”, he sure as hell doesn’t try to be a pretentious asshole like some of the people in my environment.

When I started this blog, I made a promise to myself – “to thyself be true”….this blog is a space to write how I’m feeling, good bad or whatever. Sometimes I might be pissed off when I write in here – this is one of those times. But I’ll work through this, and I’ll bounce back, and feel good about all of the wonderful things and GOOD people I do have in my life. It might be time to take another social media break, especially after all of the negativity of the last few months…..it definitely has not brought much positivity to our society.

Time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again….and climb out of the rabbit hole.