“We give the impression that all is well, trying to live all of the lies we tell.“ – Level 42
We all have things from our past that have either changed the course or direction of our lives, or that left a scar (physically and/or emotionally). Prior to losing my court case with my daughter, my emotional scar was from sexual abuse. I hid this from everyone (especially my dad) because of the fear of being shamed. Since the court decision this summer, I’ve been trying to keep a positive demeanor, but on the inside I’ve been a rollercoaster of emotions.
I’m trying to let the anger go of the racism, self-righteousness and hypocrisy that impacted the court decision, all while telling everyone around me that I’m fine, or acting like I’m fine to not be an annoyance. Truth be told, I’m not fine. I’m not in any type of danger of self harm, but I’d be flat out lying if I said that it’s no big deal or “it is what it is, and I’m OK with it”. I see pictures of family and friends with their kids, and I feel this incredible sense of failure. I love Otto like a son, but that doesn’t replace the void of not having Lauryn in my life.
To those who have been incredibly supportive, I cannot thank you enough. To my immediate family, your love and encouragement has helped me with each passing day. I realize that I need to be honest….with myself.
I’m still healing, and need more time to heal. I’ve been doing things like impulse shopping to fill a void, and the void still feels as big as ever. It’s time to “sit in the uncomfortable” and deal with the emotions I’ve been trying to bury since the verdict.
It’s said that the truth shall set you free. I need to give this 100% effort….not just an approximation.