the fork in the road.

As I’m sitting here listening to the waves of the Pacific crashing on the shore before the sun comes up to greet them, I can’t help but think about how I ended up here…not so much on how I’m on vacation, but how I’m where I am in my life.

The first 50 years of my life were littered with mistakes. I spent more time in my head thinking about what I’d do differently if I could go back and fix/change each mistake instead of being present to those around me. Every day I became obsessed with dwelling on my failures.

I came to the “fork in the road” this year…I’m very thankful to my therapist for challenging me to take a positive look at my life, and to better understand the things that trigger my negativity. I’ve had to let go to a number of unhealthy friendships – these were friends who felt the need to remind me of my mistakes and perceived shortcomings, or friends that were only “acquaintances by association.”

It’s definitely a journey….the hardest part about the fork in the road is letting go of the fear of what others think of me. In therapy I realized how a life of music makes this very challenging – auditions, being scored in competition, playing for non-appreciative audiences, etc. This has always consumed me, and this has made me conditioned to accept failure. Each day is a baby step – finding a way to “flip the switch” when my mind goes to the negative.

“We’re all unique, and we’re all gifted….no person is any better than any other.” I wish I’d heard that when I was younger, or at least could understand or have felt that way. I’m thankful that I have my life going forward to have a new, positive outlook. This is why I’m amazed at where I am right now – I never thought I’d be able to change my mindset, if not for the fork in the road.

thank you for your service.

I had the incredible honor of sitting next to retired Marine Tim Perry on my flight this morning. He served in Vietnam, where his uncle also served, and was killed in combat.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again…it doesn’t matter on which side of the aisle your political beliefs are based….anyone who has served and fought for our country deserves our UTMOST RESPECT. We have the freedoms that we have today (including acting like idiots on social media) because of the sacrifices made by our veterans.

My conversation with Tim this morning is something that I will ALWAYS remember, and I feel incredibly honored to have had the opportunity to be his seat mate today. #thankyouforyourserviceandsacrifice 😊❤️🇺🇸

With Tim Perry, USMC (Retired) 🇺🇸

stop worrying….just write.

I haven’t figured out exactly what this blog is supposed to be….a journal? A diary? A lot of little chapters that could become a book?

I found myself stressing about this at 4:15 this morning, because I’ve been feeling this overwhelming need to define what I’m doing here….it’s the same need I’ve had my entire life – everything has to be defined, explained and justified. This was my biggest pain point while on Facebook…I felt like for anything that I wrote, the ends always had to justify the means.

I had an e-mail discussion with someone a couple of weeks ago, who flat-out asked me why I felt the need to “define the conversation”….although I was able to give a truthful answer, that question has resonated with me ever since. I realized that I had started to slip back into the old habit of writing “mathematically” instead of organically…..

My goal is that for every time I write on here, I will try to write strictly based on the thoughts and ideas that spontaneously pop into my head….it might be just a word or a sentence, or a whole novel on any given day….and that’s perfectly fine.

2+2 now equals 5, and I’m happy about that. (Thank you, Rachel. 😊)