standing in that shadow.

Sunday, August 13, 2023, 12:15 am, in a tent in Paw Paw, West Virginia

My older brother Lee is a musical prodigy.

There’s no question about that. On a good day, he can tell me what note I’m thinking. I’ve known this my whole life, going back to the days when he would go to Mrs. Jeffries for piano lessons in Woodstock while in elementary school.

I’m the little brother of the prodigy. It pushed me (not always in a good way) to do whatever I needed to do to stand out, even if it was 180% of where it needed to be.

I turn 54 in two days. The older I get, the less I feel intimidated by the statements above.

I’ve lost my “music mojo”, and right now, the journey is to find it again, to the point where I can’t wait to play a gig the way I used to when I was younger. I was very blessed to have a very deep musical conversation with a friend this weekend, and it was after seeing the Dirk Quinn Group (a new favorite)….watching Dirk and his band today really moved me, as their repertoire of jazz/funk went from The Beatles to Stevie Wonder to Jimi Hendrix, to Jaco Pastorius to even Star Wars (The Cantina Scene music)….it was brilliant, the talent on the stage was beyond phenomenal.

There was a moment of clarity this weekend that I’ve never before experienced. There’s no need for me to feel intimidated or feel like I’m a second-rate musically, especially towards my older brother. Sadly, I also realized that this is my true dilemma. I stopped performing music regularly because I feel musically paralyzed as if on auto pilot. Everything music related is nothing more than muscle memory at this point.

I’m looking forward to my next gig (and last gig until who knows), because I’m truly in awe of the members of the Cruise Control Band. I wanted this to be the last gig before stepping away….I truly want to go out on a good note. (pun definitely intended)

I’m very scared to be on musical auto pilot. This feeling is also a big part of my goal of retirement in 5.5 years and two days (age 1/2). That’s when Chapter 3 of my life starts with Chapter 1 being kindergarten through college and Chapter 2 being life from college graduation to retirement. (Oh, the mistakes in Chapter 2!!) Each passing day feels more and more like music won’t be a part of this next chapter.

To my brother Lee I say – THANK YOU for being a role model and inspiration with your music. I now know that it’s time to both musically and emotionally step out of your shadow.

This is in hopes of finding the true love of performing, much more than “playing the gig.”