hanging it up.

Dear Barry Sanders – now I totally understand why you walked away from pro football when you did.

I played my last gig this past Saturday. Since that time, I’ve received a barrage of people saying “you’ll be back”….

What many don’t realize is that my “retirement” process started last summer, and it’s been eating at me for quite a while.

When my ex-wife died of a brain aneurysm two years ago, my daughter made the decision that she’d rather live with my ex-wife’s parents instead of being with me. Regardless of the impact on my daughter’s mindset, it made me take stock of what’s truly important in life, and in comparison, playing music is no longer important to me.

I had a college professor who once shared a story about how when he was younger and playing in a band, he had this incredible moment of clarity (while playing The Beatles “I Am The Walrus”, no less) from which he decided to stop playing rock music professionally. I had that moment last summer, but I made the decision to keep going, and I’ve felt like I’ve been running on fumes ever since.

Truth is, I have a lot of emotional baggage from years of gigging….mistakes made with other musicians, feeling musically inadequate, and feeling “showy”…..these feelings aren’t going to magically disappear in x number of months. When my friend Pat Cerello died, and the All-Night Band was no more, a part of me died as well….the part of my soul that felt a true connection to the music being performed.

Growing up, I was constantly compared to my brother, my father (a music teacher at my junior/senior high school), and the legacy of Allen Roosa. Allen Roosa was a senior in our high school in 1979, who played trombone, was a drum major of the marching band, and died in a drunk driving accident during Easter break of his senior year. An award was immediately established in music in his name at both my elementary school and my high school. From that point on, the expectation was that all musicians were to match his standard. The personality that I have, which was 180° from the personality of Allen Roosa and my peers, ended up casting a negative vibe to the people around me. Ironically, this is the same personality that served me incredibly well as a professional musician (and with the folks on the Today Show). This might piss off quite a few people in Onteoraland, but after recording three albums, singing with Natalie Cole in LA, and playing professionally in NYC, Philadelphia, DC, and the Northeast, I have nothing more to prove (and I’m not irresponsible enough to drive drunk either).

THIS IS WHY I’M DONE. (Congrats Debbie Kreisberg, the trophy is officially yours. Wini and Krista – I blame you for that last statement, and I haven’t forgotten how you snubbed my mother for her accomplishments as a music teacher in our school district.)

Barry Sanders walked away from football in the prime of his career….he could have easily surpassed Walter Payton as the NFL’s all-time leading rusher. They actually unveiled a statue of Barry Sanders yesterday before the Lions home opener. Barry Sanders made it crystal clear why he hung up the cleats – it wasn’t fun anymore, and he wanted to do something different with his life. People lost their minds over his decision and had the expectation that he should keep playing for the fans. I have to admit, I was one of those people.

The last year of playing gigs was not fun for me at all….it’s not that the gigs were bad (some were actually very good), but my heart is no longer into playing and singing music. Im thankful to have given back to my alma mater with benefit performances, and to have played for many fundraisers over the years. Those gigs will always hold a special place in my heart. I’m very thankful that my last gig was with Erin Cruise and Cruise Control this past Saturday, as this band of incredible musicians brought back some of the joy from my days in the All-Night Band.

Although I appreciate everyone’s concern, it no longer resonates with me that people feel I have a voice that should keep singing. I feel no connection to being an entertainer (sorry, that’s a BIG “showy” negative to me)…..I’d much rather be “G” to my grandson Milo and be Otto’s sidekick than have an opportunity to perform at Radio City Music Hall. I’d rather work towards reconnecting with my daughter than have the chance at performing with my musical idols. (I’d rather have an RV than ever win a Grammy!!)

If this blog post seems arrogant, that’s not the intent. There’s just no other way to convey my feelings.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’m gonna order a Barry Sanders jersey online. He’s currently my role model.