getting an answer.

I met with a neurologist two days ago.

As some of my friends and family know, I’m trying to confirm if I’m somewhere on the autism spectrum. (Being able to taste musical notes isn’t the norm? Really?)

In April, I’m scheduled for a full day of extensive tests, which should hopefully give me more clarity about the issue. The testing will include psychological, physical and cognitive tests. It will be a day to remember, I’m sure.

To others, my life won’t appear to have any significant change once I get an answer. I’m treating this with the same level of concern as wanting to find out if I had a major illness – it will help to reconcile years of emotionally destructive behavior, and give me a clearer path going forward.

If I had a dollar for every time I felt socially awkward or reacted in a way that the people around me could not understand (including social media), I could EASILY retire. This is the real reason for why I have stopped playing live music, and why I now have a crippling fear of performing in front of an audience.

Writing this blog has actually been helpful and therapeutic – it feels much safer to tap into my creativity and write how I’m feeling from a place of privacy and comfort, instead of feeling like a square peg in a round hole in front of people, whether it be playing gigs or when I’m in social settings. After 36 years of performing and having to feel “on”, and not having the ability to ever feel “off”, I need to find out the truth.

Like Howard Jones once said, things can only get better. (Hopefully.)