when one muse is just a ruse.

If April 1st is April Fools’ Day, to me April 2nd shall henceforth be known as “The Day of Clarity.”

Throughout my musical career, I’ve had many people who have inspired me….some have even been (and still are) my “artistic muses,” people who not only inspire me, but who I’ve used as motivation to be consistent when I perform. I’ve been fortunate enough to share with some of them how they’ve inspired me with their talent and their spirit, and how it has been a blessing.

When these people would come to a concert or gig, I absolutely knew I had to bring my A+ game. Sometimes these were people that I was performing with, and sometimes they were a person in the audience, who I really appreciated that they made time for me.

My self-realization yesterday was that I made a mistake – someone who I always thought of as a muse was never one to begin with, and that I’ve allowed their words to have too much of a negative influence on my life for far too long. I stopped playing music because of this person’s hurtful words, and I’ve wasted too much time trying to make amends, out of fear of losing what I thought was a person of incredible inspiration.

I know that I need to be more realistic and careful about putting people on an artistic pedestal going forward. This person’s motivation was much more about their image and self appearance, and I mistakenly thought that they had a genuine interest in something that I’m incredibly passionate about. Fool me once, shame on me.

What does the future hold? I don’t know yet. I’m not going to rush back into playing gigs, because I’m not sure if that’s what is on the path.

The thought of sharing music with people who have special needs has been on my mind a lot. I enjoy opportunities where I can give back. One of my favorite performance opportunities was co-conducting the band and choir at The Vanguard Group to raise money and awareness for the United Way, and also being the conductor of a choir at Vanguard for a Black History Month performance. It was also a joy to work with high school kids in jazz bands and jazz choirs as an artist-in-residence.

Perhaps these are the “muses” that I should’ve had all along.