ptsd ‘n me.

There are times when I write blog posts and struggle to find the words. There are other times where I can’t type fast enough because my thoughts are so incredibly vivid. This one will probably fall somewhere in the middle of the pack.

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – I don’t “suffer” from it, but I do struggle with it. I’m fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on how you look at it) that I remember why I have it, as it’s making things clearer on how I need to deal with it. Between three horrible childhood traumatic experiences, combined with years of emotional abuse, combined with being physically assaulted while trying to protect someone else from being physically injured, I’ve earned my card-carrying PTSD status. Now it’s time to get rid of it.

In evaluating some of my colossal mistakes in my past (yowza), and realizing some of my recent actions (news flash: I know that some people are concerned about me), I’ve realized that I have some character flaws that need some MAJOR attention. In doing the current deep dive, I realized that these have all been driven by FEAR. Fear of missing out. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of being alone. This fear has driven me my whole life, and I can trace it back directly to my trauma. For the first time, I’m trying to deal with this honestly so that I can heal.

I don’t use the phrase “emotional abuse” lightly. It’s become a buzzword phrase as we learn more about mental health. Here’s a different spin on it, based strictly on how I FEEL – I grew up “White” – teased for being Black by White kids, and teased for being “White” by Black people, TO THIS DAY. As for being Black in current White America, just watch the news…..but I digress….

We all know what “triggers” are – up until this past Saturday, my PTSD has been easily triggered – for the first time, I’m understanding why. I made a conscious decision yesterday to truly address my triggers. The fucked up part is that as easily as I can write this in a blog post, I struggle verbally to convey how I’m feeling, because my brain gets overloaded with thoughts triggered by fears, and I get defensive. I’m very aware of this now, because of recent events, including what’s happening across the Potomac from me.

PTSD has affected my friendships….I’ve always had the fear of fitting in (did you see the part above about being a Black kid in a White world? Ok, just checking.), and this still includes fitting into social circles. Getting assaulted soon after moving from Pennsylvania to Alexandria sure as hell didn’t help my PTSD, and for 13 years, my triggers have been on HIGH ALERT. And I’ve made more than my share of mistakes because of it.

Why worry about having a circle of friends, when I can be my own circle? AND WHY DID IT TAKE ME SO FUCKING LONG TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT????

Part of the healing process is letting go of our former selves. At nearly age 56, I’m trying to let go of 40-something years of internalized trauma, and in the process, some crazy shit (but not TOO crazy) is gonna happen. This included speaking with the bully of one of my childhood traumatic experiences. We had an INCREDIBLY healing conversation, and that in its own way has made my life a little more brighter. This is real life, and I’m choosing to no longer be afraid of it.

To infinity and beyond! (That’s for you, Fry-Fry. ❤️)