Today I’m forcing myself to write. Been feeling a lot of different emotions over the past 24 hours, and my instinct is to just suppress them. Not today.
This morning I downloaded and started using the Liven app, as this is designed to use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as a way of working through trauma. It’s also designed for those wanting to “heal” their inner child. Bottom line – it’s also some hard-ass work, but I know I need to do this for myself.
One word I will never use again is “broken”, as it’s not about “fixing” oneself …it’s about developing better adaptive skills, but one isn’t broken as part of the process….plus broken equals defeated to me, and I don’t want to feel that way.
I’m taking a hard look at my life right now – it’s easy to focus more on the negative, but I’ve done that. I’ve asked for forgiveness. Moving on. I wanna be REALLY happy – yes, there are many fun places to go and people to see, and I want to feel that I can enjoy 100% of it. I’ve never felt that before.
The thing that makes all of this so challenging is to believe that I will actually have (hopefully) a trauma-free life going forward. I’ve always been a “black-and-white” thinker, and hopefully now I’ll be able to see and enjoy things more vividly, which can only make life brighter.
Being self soothing is tough – when you’re conditioned to either blame yourself or feel that you’re less than the people around you, it’s easy to feel more failure than empathy. It’s why I’m looking for my good qualities while doing that hard look in the mirror…and for the first time, I’m starting to see the happy and fulfilled person that I can become, and I’m liking that.
Mirror mirror on the wall, who will be the one who finds a new level of happiness and inner peace?
(Ok….I didn’t rhyme….sue me. 😂)
Lane's Back Nine - my online diary as a 55-year old 