the achilles heel.

I got my ass kicked on Saturday.

No blood, bruises or broken bones, but I thoroughly got my ass kicked.

By REALITY. And it was deserved. And it was by a BOOK no less.

Mel Robbins book LET THEM, Chapter 7 – “People Who Throw Tantrums.”

While reading each and every word of this chapter, it became painfully obvious that this was a perfect description of the person I have allowed myself to become. I can’t run from it and I can’t hide from it. It’s the cold, honest TRUTH. I had a situation last week where I had a full-on meltdown, and my mind became incredibly focused on justification at any cost necessary. Then I read the chapter…..and it broke me the way I needed to be broken. I don’t cry often, but this REALLY tore me down.

This blog was started as a way of expressing my emotions, after years of feeling like I didn’t have a healthy outlet to do so. Looking back at previous posts, there’s some good, some bad and some UGLY. The temptation to delete and edit is there, but these were all my words, and I own them. The emotional maturity varies from post to post – and this is my opportunity. EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

The Beatles said it best:

“Me used to be angry young man; Me hiding my head in the sand; you gave me the word, I finally heard, I’m doing the best that I can. I’ve got to admit it’s getting better – it’s getting better all the time.”

We all have an Achilles heel – something that we know holds us back. This weekend was the true realization and recognition of mine. No more being in denial about it.

I’m embarrassed that I carried the anger and pain of my first marriage for 15 years….through my entire next relationship. Yes, it takes two to make or break any relationship, and I’ve decided to do the work – breaking the cycle of anger and hurt from past relationships. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE FEELING ANGRY, BITTER AND RESENTFUL FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Taking accountability for my own actions is the first step.

We’re all works in progress. Getting baptized was necessary for me. Since moving back to Pennsylvania last July, there was a feeling like I was spiraling in terms of the anger and emotions, and I knew while I was in California during the holidays that changes were necessary in my life. I also knew that The Man Upstairs had bigger plans for me, but didn’t know what those were. Funny how we think we’re in control, and then we get quickly humbled, especially when we truly need to be humbled.

My Achilles heel has been my inconsistent emotional maturity. For the first time, I’m truly aware of it, and I’m aware of the damage it has done. I own it, I accept it, and I take full responsibility for it.

It will NOT keep me from taking the right steps forward.