The Liven app – where has this been all of my life?
My health – I’m only 8 pounds away from my goal!
My sister-in-law. She’s more like my sister…she has immeasurable strength and compassion. Love you, Margaret! ❤️
The New York Giants Front Office….thank you for finally (hopefully) getting it right!
My upcoming trip to Los Angeles….even though I’ll be working, you can bet your ass I’ll be getting some beach time in Santa Monica!
My job – in light of what has happened over the last 100 days to the jobs of many people I know, I’m truly grateful to have the job I have, and the support that I receive with my job.
The future…..life seems to get much faster as we get older….I don’t fear the future the way I used to do.
The incredible music of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.
The most important one of all (I saved the best for last)…..MY FAMILY, and my friends. I’m truly blessed and grateful.
At 1:27 this morning, I actually had a moment of hesitation about writing this blog post….I was fearful of how some of my White friends may be taken aback by what I need to write. Fortunately, this only made my desire to write this post that much stronger.
I am an educated, intelligent Black man. Yes, I’ve grown up and lived in a White world, and now I’m seeing the impact of growing up in such an environment playing out with the decisions being made by our current political regime.
Please hear me clearly – I DON’T care how people voted – many Americans fought and died to allow us the freedoms that we have. What concerns me is where people stand on a very important issue……how do you feel about racism?
This is a question where politics shouldn’t matter….hell, it’s practically a yes or no question. Are you against racism? Yes or no?
We’re seeing events take place that were never discussed in any type of forum. Taking slavery out of the history books….elimination of DEI…..the practical dismantling of the African-American Museum in DC. How ironic that the museum that a president of a certain political party fought to have created, a president in the same party wants to shut it down…..why? What’s the end game here?
Wide awake, and getting ready to stand on my own two feet.
As the Kennedy Center just CANCELLED all celebrations and events for Pride Month, we’re seeing first hand how diversity hasn’t just become an endangered species, it’s practically extinct.
I’ve had people very close to me mock the word “woke”, because to them it implies weakness. Hear me clearly – I’d rather be woke, than be a stupid, ignorant, clueless motherfucker. Put THAT on a t-shirt!
It breaks my heart that many of my friends are afraid to speak up. They’ve settled into their roles in life, and act as if they’re not impacted by what’s happening to the people around them. Yes, we still have pleasant conversations, but this topic gets avoided like the plague. I realize that some of them have to be careful what they say around legislation (ironically the people who can help facilitate positive change), but whatever. You do you, but please be aware of what’s happening around you.
Where do we go from here? Families are splitting apart because of these types of issues. Long-term friendships are ending. Is this happening because of silence, because of discussion, or a little bit of both? When you break it down to its most basic form, it’s this simple – treat people the way you want to be treated. Respect and value people’s differences. If you see something, say something. So easy, yet we continue to make things so fucking difficult.
I hope that the day comes when it’s safe to embrace what makes us unique again. And I sincerely hope that I can talk to my friends about this issue, instead of continuing to sweep it under the rug.
It’s 6:55 am – time to STAND up, be WOKE, and start the day.
Today I’m forcing myself to write. Been feeling a lot of different emotions over the past 24 hours, and my instinct is to just suppress them. Not today.
This morning I downloaded and started using the Liven app, as this is designed to use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as a way of working through trauma. It’s also designed for those wanting to “heal” their inner child. Bottom line – it’s also some hard-ass work, but I know I need to do this for myself.
One word I will never use again is “broken”, as it’s not about “fixing” oneself …it’s about developing better adaptive skills, but one isn’t broken as part of the process….plus broken equals defeated to me, and I don’t want to feel that way.
I’m taking a hard look at my life right now – it’s easy to focus more on the negative, but I’ve done that. I’ve asked for forgiveness. Moving on. I wanna be REALLY happy – yes, there are many fun places to go and people to see, and I want to feel that I can enjoy 100% of it. I’ve never felt that before.
Looking forward.
The thing that makes all of this so challenging is to believe that I will actually have (hopefully) a trauma-free life going forward. I’ve always been a “black-and-white” thinker, and hopefully now I’ll be able to see and enjoy things more vividly, which can only make life brighter.
Being self soothing is tough – when you’re conditioned to either blame yourself or feel that you’re less than the people around you, it’s easy to feel more failure than empathy. It’s why I’m looking for my good qualities while doing that hard look in the mirror…and for the first time, I’m starting to see the happy and fulfilled person that I can become, and I’m liking that.
Mirror mirror on the wall, who will be the one who finds a new level of happiness and inner peace?
There are times when I write blog posts and struggle to find the words. There are other times where I can’t type fast enough because my thoughts are so incredibly vivid. This one will probably fall somewhere in the middle of the pack.
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – I don’t “suffer” from it, but I do struggle with it. I’m fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on how you look at it) that I remember why I have it, as it’s making things clearer on how I need to deal with it. Between three horrible childhood traumatic experiences, combined with years of emotional abuse, combined with being physically assaulted while trying to protect someone else from being physically injured, I’ve earned my card-carrying PTSD status. Now it’s time to get rid of it.
In evaluating some of my colossal mistakes in my past (yowza), and realizing some of my recent actions (news flash: I know that some people are concerned about me), I’ve realized that I have some character flaws that need some MAJOR attention. In doing the current deep dive, I realized that these have all been driven by FEAR. Fear of missing out. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of being alone. This fear has driven me my whole life, and I can trace it back directly to my trauma. For the first time, I’m trying to deal with this honestly so that I can heal.
I don’t use the phrase “emotional abuse” lightly. It’s become a buzzword phrase as we learn more about mental health. Here’s a different spin on it, based strictly on how I FEEL – I grew up “White” – teased for being Black by White kids, and teased for being “White” by Black people, TO THIS DAY. As for being Black in current White America, just watch the news…..but I digress….
Putting my finger on the triggers once and for all.
We all know what “triggers” are – up until this past Saturday, my PTSD has been easily triggered – for the first time, I’m understanding why. I made a conscious decision yesterday to truly address my triggers. The fucked up part is that as easily as I can write this in a blog post, I struggle verbally to convey how I’m feeling, because my brain gets overloaded with thoughts triggered by fears, and I get defensive. I’m very aware of this now, because of recent events, including what’s happening across the Potomac from me.
PTSD has affected my friendships….I’ve always had the fear of fitting in (did you see the part above about being a Black kid in a White world? Ok, just checking.), and this still includes fitting into social circles. Getting assaulted soon after moving from Pennsylvania to Alexandria sure as hell didn’t help my PTSD, and for 13 years, my triggers have been on HIGH ALERT. And I’ve made more than my share of mistakes because of it.
Why worry about having a circle of friends, when I can be my own circle? AND WHY DID IT TAKE ME SO FUCKING LONG TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT????
Part of the healing process is letting go of our former selves. At nearly age 56, I’m trying to let go of 40-something years of internalized trauma, and in the process, some crazy shit (but not TOO crazy) is gonna happen. This included speaking with the bully of one of my childhood traumatic experiences. We had an INCREDIBLY healing conversation, and that in its own way has made my life a little more brighter. This is real life, and I’m choosing to no longer be afraid of it.
To infinity and beyond! (That’s for you, Fry-Fry. ❤️)
This was my nickname in junior high. Unfortunately, a lot of pain came with this nickname.
The year was 1982. I was twelve at the time, and it’s a year that I will never forget because of the trajectory of my life that year.
But first, the nickname….my older brother Lee had the nickname “Boomer” given to him by our peers, and they felt I needed a nickname as well (whether I wanted one or not). It was bad enough that I was teased for being black but not great at basketball (I was told I had “White Man’s Disease – burn in Hell, Eric Stein) and now I had to tolerate a stupid nickname on top of it.
Although my grades weren’t awful, they weren’t top notch. I can only dream of what it could’ve been like had my depression and autism been diagnosed at age 12 instead of age 54, where I could’ve grown up with love and support. This turned out to be the catalyst for my life taking a very downward turn.
A little backstory about my dad, Larry Stowe. Larry (who I will refer to in the third person) was a self-made man. After serving in the Navy in WWII, he put himself through college and grad school, and he taught music at my junior high and high school from 1960-1984. Larry was also very image conscious, as he loved the admiration he received from students, parents and faculty alike. What people didn’t know (or refused to believe) is that Larry was incredibly verbally and emotionally abusive to his wife and two sons, and that the damage inflicted would have lasting repercussions.
It was a Thursday evening in the Spring of 1982. I had failed a surprise pop quiz in 7th grade science class earlier in the day, and before I even had the chance to tell my parents, my science teacher Mr. Carpinelli had already told my dad in the Faculty Lounge in front of some of my dad’s colleagues.
“It’s an uphill climb, just to get on top, and not to stop, and never fall.” – David Sanborn (1945-2024)
My mom was in the kitchen making dinner, and my dad came home from school, walked into the den where I was sitting and said “UPSTAIRS. CONFERENCE. NOW.” Conference was his way of saying that my ass was grass, and he was the lawnmower.
As soon as I closed the door, the berating started. “God damnit, you fucked up again! I’m sick and tired of you making me look bad! I’M EMBARRASSED TO CALL YOU MY SON! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT!”
A big part of me DIED that day. I’ve NEVER felt truly confident in my abilities, and a big part of me stopped caring. I used to cheat on exams for better grades, and I learned how to be a bullshitter to PROTECT MYSELF. I just went through the motions, being bullied by my classmates, being treated as less than by my classmates and my dad, and in hindsight thankful that suicide was not yet in my vocabulary.
I just started individual therapy (again). I now realize that I can’t move forward until I work through 43 years of pain and abuse that I have buried. I’m fully aware of so many mistakes I’ve made in this lifetime, usually made with poor confidence, poor judgement or both. I know that I have a LOT of work to do, and that this work will be some of the hardest work that I will have ever done.
Part of that work is connecting with my 12-year-old self – Sugar Cane Lane – so that I can finally heal, and so that I can finally live my best life. Peeling back the layers of many painful experiences scares the shit out of me, but I need to do this.
I just finished reading the book Addicted to the Monkey Mind, by JF Benoist – it deals with reprogramming the brain after years/decades of negative thinking. In a nutshell, we live in our “monkey mind” – the one that floods our thoughts with negativity and self doubt, instead of listening more to our Observational mind, where we’re much more cognizant of the way we’re feeling and why we feel that way. This knowledge will be very helpful to me as I start this incredibly uphill climb.
To Sugar Cane Lane, I say this – I see you, and I hear you. You and I will get through this. Together. And we’ll do it throwing a football and playing music instead of basketball. Trust me. You’re gonna be OK. ❤️
As I’m proofreading this for misteaks, it’s currently 4:59 am. (Yes, it was on purpose. 😉)
Hello Spring! Oh, how I have missed thee! Winter has been a whiny little brat this season, dumping its remnants to be shoveled. But that’s for another day.
Spring also means it’s baseball season….for the life of me, I cannot figure out how they have lush, green grass in Minnesota on Opening Day, but yet I can’t figure out how many bags of mulch I need for the backyard.
Another joy of Spring is “Sunday Afternoon Drive” Sunday – my parents used to love taking Sunday drives. To honor them, I take one Sunday (hopefully in April, weather and schedule permitting) where I get in the car, and I have no set destination. Just some good jazz and the highway…..and yes, you may have heard that I like to drive….
Almost time to hit the open road.
And let’s be honest – is there any better feeling than that first smell of Spring in the air, combined with the warmth of the sunshine on a perfectly sunny 75° afternoon? This beats the shit out of slush, windburn from skiing and/or windchill and heart attack snow……but thumbs up to you who love this season anyway. ❤️
I’m optimistic for a positive “social tidal wave” to start this Spring…..maybe even a modern-day “Summer of Love” could be on the horizon in the next couple of years….as we go through these trying times, I’m thankful that we can learn directly from our elders, and hopefully continue to find common ground with one another.
Two words – EARTH DAY!!
Wishing all of my friends a GLORIOUS SPRING!
(P.S. Dear Winter – please feel free to extract my foot from your ass on the way out. 😎)
Sunday’s Super Bowl seemed kinda “meh”, as far as the game and commercials are concerned. Fortunately the halftime show made things very interesting.
I’ll fall on my sword – I admit that I had not known much about Kendrick Lamar’s music prior to Sunday. I knew he won a Pulitzer for his lyrics, and I know he has a rift with Drake.
Not knowing what to expect, I watched as there was symbolism clearly presented for immediate effect (Samuel Jackson got my undivided attention). I became frustrated because it was hard to understand what was being said, as the audio mix actually drowned out the vocals at one point. Even with this audio issue, this was clearly a message being conveyed for America to see.
When it was over, my initial reaction was shock as the show had such a definitive ending. From a mindset of wonder, I couldn’t figure out everything I had just watched, but I knew that there would be plenty of discussion about it.
Truly an educational performance.
Here’s where I saw a very cool ray of light yesterday. There was healthy online dialogue about the halftime show. Not everyone was receptive to “feeling the need to be educated”, but the conversations seemed a lot calmer, and with less vitriol than one would expect.
I watched the halftime show again yesterday morning…watching it with the insight received from others made it quite an educational experience. Although nothing has topped Janet Jackson’s performance in terms of controversy, this was a performance that may be discussed for quite a while.
There was an interesting quote that really resonated with me about Sunday’s performance. This quote was directed towards music educators, who may not know how to discuss the performance with their students. In a nutshell, it said that as educators are quick to criticize what they think is non-musical, kids are losing interest in music education programs, as there’s an obvious disconnect.
As much as I could’ve had a “Get off my lawn!” reaction to the show Sunday, I appreciate the responses received to my inquiries about what Kendrick Lamar was trying to convey. Will I become a fan of his music? Probably not, but that’s because I’m not a fan of that style of music. Will I look up his lyrics to understand more about Kendrick Lamar and his message?
“The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side.”
Hunter S. Thompson
If I were to never sing or play another note, I could totally live with that. This isn’t to say that I’m not going to be doing music anymore….I’m more focused on writing for the immediate future. Although Hunter Thompson’s quote is very extreme, there is some validity to what he says about the music business, and that’s the part of the industry that I don’t want to be a part of anymore.
As I write this blog post, I’m beginning the process of decluttering. I’m overwhelmed by all of the music stuff I have, from musical instruments to books, CD’s and DVD’s….they’ve all served me well over the years, but now it’s time to let some of them go. I’m hoping to eventually donate as much as I can to the school districts in California impacted by the wildfires. Perhaps some students will enjoy my instruments and albums the way I used to enjoy them. At least with writing, I can do it anywhere at any time, and I have just as much enjoyment as I had playing and singing.
Enjoying different (non-musical) outlets for my creativity.
Writing is both challenging and therapeutic. It’s always been easy to “hide” when playing music, as it is a distraction for a few hours from other issues that may be bothering me. Writing is more about facing those issues head on and working through them.
I need to write this next paragraph as a confession – I no longer sing with the Uptown Vocal Jazz Quartet, but I could’ve (and should have) handled the situation differently regarding my departure. Truth be told, I hit the wall – I wasn’t enjoying playing gigs, and I just needed a hard stop to reevaluate what I wanted to do (or not do) musically. To Ginny, Holly and Robert, I hope you can accept my sincerest apology. I’ll do better going forward.
The thing most enjoyable about writing is that I don’t feel any pressures or expectations from others. I write whenever I feel like writing, and I write whatever I’m feeling – although there’s vulnerability involved, there’s also a feeling of satisfaction of being able to convey my thoughts in a creative way.
Things may change, where music becomes the priority again, but if that doesn’t happen, that’s OK….I’m enjoying singing with my church choir, and doing the occasional gigs with my friend Ryan. I’ll just take things one day at a time, and continue to find ways to express my creativity.
It amazes me how sometimes I can go weeks without having anything to write about, and then BAM! Thoughts and ideas just start flowing through my brain.
As I write this, I’m on vacation in St. Lucia….getting away from everyday life brings clarity, and with that clarity I find it much easier to put “pen to paper” and convey my thoughts.
Currently, I’m reading Craig Melvin’s (co-host of The Today Show) book “Pops”, which really goes in depth in regard to his relationship with his dad. I can relate to a number of his experiences, as I had a very strained relationship with my dad.
As the years have passed (almost 20 years since my dad died), my heart has softened, and I’ve forgiven my dad. Craig still has his dad, and their relationship has only gotten stronger….I wish that my dad had hung around a little longer so we could’ve hopefully moved in that direction.
Having a “thriller” of a time on vacation.
I’ve been giving a lot of thought to how my friendships have evolved over the years….I have some friends who are like brothers and sisters to me. I also have friends that I used to be close with, but as we’ve gotten older we’ve changed and evolved, so we’re not as close anymore. I carry no resentment and I have no hard feelings – for where we are in our lives now, things are different, and I choose not to live in that past anymore.
In Craig Melvin’s book, he shares some profound wisdom which was passed along to him in his younger years. One tidbit that really resonates with me is this piece of advice: “We’re all ‘too something’ to somebody – whether that be too outgoing, too shy, too stubborn, too rebellious….the list goes on and on.
The takeaway is this – embrace who we are and keep on being who we are. Trust that with age comes wisdom and maturity. (I’d almost kill to have the opportunity to go back to tell this to my 22-year old self!)
These are my thoughts today. It feels good to have this outlet to use my creativity. Where music used to be my driving force, I’m enjoying writing more than anything else right now. In no way whatsoever do I consider myself a “writer” – it just soothes my soul to sit down and express myself with words instead of notes.
Lane's Back Nine - my online diary as a 55-year old 