living with autism (but not knowing it).

It’s been a helluva week, and it’s only Wednesday.

I was scheduled to have neurophysiological testing at the beginning of April. Because of another patient’s cancellation, I was able to have my appointment and testing yesterday morning and afternoon.

Over the course of several hours, I went through a litany of tests, from being asked very detailed questions (some being very personal), to having to do visual, verbal and mathematical questions (and I am not a fan of math at all). Based on the interview questions and description of the concerns that I have (like having perfect pitch, and being able to taste musical notes….thats some freaky shit), the doctor told me that my “symptoms” align with Autism Spectrum Disorder. He’ll be sending my neurologist a detailed 25-page write up in two weeks, and I’m feeling the perfect balance of fascinated/scared shitless to read the results.

Although I can only make changes going forward, it’s impossible to not look in the rear view mirror at all of the blunders, mistakes and missed opportunities I’ve had. There are so many moments that could’ve had a much different outcome or impact had I been aware of this diagnosis.

What I would give to go back to junior high and high school to relearn all of the different subjects that I struggled with at the time. I used to think I was stupid, and others around me thought I was lazy. We all have different modes of learning, and mine didn’t fit into the expected norm.

Truth be told, when it came to playing music, I was afraid to practice around other people – not for fear of making mistakes, but because of my temper for not being able to sing and play music the way I heard it in my head. (This more than manifested itself later in life when I was playing gigs.)

The right (creative) side of my brain is my dominant side….it makes me humorously wonder if God gave me two right sides of the brain by accident. Analytical thinking frustrates me to no end. I can do it, but I truly suck at anything that involves visual analytics. It’s why I despise Microsoft Excel! I thrive when I can use my creativity. I told the doctor yesterday that I wish I had an HDMI input on the side of my head, so I could transmit all of my thoughts to a big screen TV, instead of trying to verbally explain them. Hopefully that technology will be available before I die of old age….and how awesome would that be?

Today is Day 1…..to say that I feel a heightened awareness to every word coming out of my mouth would be a tremendous understatement. I have no expectations of being treated differently. I’m one of the millions or billions of people who falls somewhere on the spectrum, and life will go on as usual. Once the report is finished, I’ll do a deep dive into my areas of opportunity, and hopefully not feel as awkward or excluded as I’ve always felt.

At some point I’m sure I’ll pick up my trumpet and flugelhorn and start practicing again (i.e. yelling multiple expletives because I don’t have my technique where it needs to be) with the goal of possibly playing live music. And the odds are pretty high that I’ll use a fake alias for the first couple of gigs, so that I can do them anonymously.

Again, to my friends who have been aware and very supportive of my journey of discovery, words cannot express my gratitude. From all of this, I hope to be a better person and a better friend, as I know there have been many times when I’ve been on “auto pilot” when people needed my support.

It’s a new beginning, and I hope to make the most of it.

(And by the way, what do you think of the stage name Kirby Irby? 😎)