Tough night tonight. I’m probably not going to see my daughter this weekend for her birthday, as texted to me by my ex-wife (my daughter’s choice, not mine), and I just needed to get the fuck out of the house.
I had no idea of where to go, and I couldn’t reach anybody by phone or text to talk about how I’m feeling. It’s a fucked-up combination of disappointment, failure, sadness and anger, and I absolutely fucking hate it.
As I drove down King Street in Alexandria, I passed the Rock-It Grill, which is one of the better know karaoke bars in the DMV. I don’t know why, but the little voice in my head said “When all else fails, just sing”, and that’s why I’m here.
Singing, and trying to not feel numb and detached.
So as I’m writing this, a girl is doing a decent job with Spandau Ballet, which offsets the guy talk-singing Sinatra. But everybody’s having a good time, so the wrong notes don’t count.
This is definitely not where I thought I’d be at 11:35 on Tuesday night, but at least it’s helping me to get out of my head.
“Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable. And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button. So cradle your head in your hands. And breathe, just breathe.”
This is a very tough week for me…it’s my daughter’s 13th birthday on Friday. Under normal circumstances, any parent would have anxiety about their daughter becoming a teenager. Because my daughter and I are current estranged, my anxieties are multiplied.
There is no worse feeling than the feeling of failure as a parent. Although the circumstances which would allow an easy reconciliation are a little bit beyond my control, I try to maintain a positive outlook, and try to show my daughter how much I love her and care about her. What makes this very frustrating is the fact that my daughter is only allowed to see one side of the story.
I worry about her future, especially as she’s now a teenager – will she make the right choices? What are her hopes and dreams, and what potential obstacles could be in her way? These are the things I think about every day, sometimes to the point where it distracts me from being in the moment. All I can do is have faith that she will stand tall in the face of adversity, and soar like an eagle with her successes.
They grow up so incredibly fast. ❤️
I love my daughter – always have, always will…and I know the day will come when we will have quality time together. In the meantime, I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other, and remembering that when things feel out of control….just BREATHE.
I deactivated my Facebook and FB Messenger today. It’s good to step away and get some clarity. Not going to worry about if/when I go back. Gonna enjoy the quiet for a while. 😊
I’m sitting here in my La-Z-Boy, listening to music on iTunes Shuffle and looking through some of my scrapbooks. It’s amazing to look at pictures that seem like they were taken yesterday, but in fact we’re taken as long ago as 1975.
There’s a very cool connection of listening to Ray Charles’ “Yes Indeed!” while looking at pictures from years ago, as I remember many a Saturday afternoon growing up with my mom playing Ray Charles’ music in the house. As most of the favorite moments and memories of my life are intertwined with music, I’m looking at pictures from certain years and remembering what songs I was listening to, as I have them in my Shuffle.
Above: 1975. Below: 2020.
As I look at pictures of me and my brother Lee from over the years, I remember the songs we were both listening to at the time these pictures were taken. I close my eyes, and I’m right back in 1976 listening to Elton John’s “Island Girl” in my mom’s ‘68 Caprice, and I’m instantly riding in the back of my dad’s ‘75 Pontiac Catalina Safari station wagon once I hear the handclaps to the intro of Rose Royce’s “Car Wash”, the same way as I first heard them in 1977.
I’m mind blown that these memories are all over 40 years ago. It’s very bittersweet, because as much as I remember the happiness I felt at the time, there’s also a tremendous feeling of loss, as my folks are no longer here to share these pictures and songs.
My folks are still with me in my heart and my mind each and every day, as not a single day goes by that I don’t listen to music that I listened to growing up. (Jenn will more than vouch for that!). The day will come that Lauryn and I will make new memories with music, and one day she’ll hopefully put music on her “musical device of the future” (because digital music will eventually end up just like the 8-track), and she’ll be able to think of great memories, whether I’m still here or not.
This is one of those times when I’m glad to be 50.
On the news this morning, they were showing the new viral sensation called the “Outlet Challenge.” The challenge is to take the plug part of a USB adapter, putting it partially in the wall electrical socket, and then sticking a penny to the exposed plug prongs while they’re in the socket to make sparks. Pardon my French, but what the entire fuck is wrong with people? Are they that bored that they need to risk electrocution as a form of entertainment???
Seriously, this is beyond stupid….in fact, I’m going to call this “Virtual Stupidity” (thanks, Jamiroquai!), because the goal of this intellectual exercise is to have the video go viral and have ’15 minutes of fame’, as defined by the late Andy Warhol. (“Death be damned, we’re gonna get 100,000 views on YouTube!”)
Obviously, these guys didn’t learn from Daffy Duck like I did as a kid.
I’m thankful that the injuries I suffered in my youth were from kickball games, the occasional fall off my bike, and the very random time that I ran into a free-standing bug trap while playing touch football (and yes, I still caught the pass for a touchdown. I’m still very proud of that 39 years later.)
I know it may seem hypocritical because of my being on national TV, but my opportunity was truly by fluke and by fate, and was not an organized activity risking life and limb. It saddens me that parents have to warn their kids about the dangers of using a penny against a metal prong in an electrical outlet, for fear that they may try to imitate this same asinine attempt. Even Beavis and Butthead weren’t that stupid, for Pete’s sake!
By 2020 standards, would these two now be considered geniuses?
To the braintrust that came up with this “Outlet Challenge” idea……you want to do something that will hopefully go viral, and that people will want to imitate? Here are a few suggestions…..Volunteer at a homeless shelter or a senior center. Clean up trash from a highway. Show genuine kindness to strangers, even if you do it randomly. MAKE A POSITIVE DIFFERENCE IN THE LIVES OF OTHERS. These are the types of activities that should go viral, and that others will hopefully follow suit.
Lane's Back Nine - my online diary as a 55-year old 