“We’ve got provisions, and lots of beer…the key word is survival on the new frontier.” – Donald Fagen
Is this the new “temporary normal”? The last two weeks don’t seem real…I look out the window and it looks like an ordinary day. Then I look at the news, and I feel like it’s a science fiction movie. I think about the people who have died from this virus, and it’s heartbreaking….
Now is the time to BE KIND…look out for your friends, look out for your families, reach out to ANYONE you know is in need…bottom line, let’s all do things to make a positive difference in the lives of others.
This is brand new territory – we’re hoping things will improve dramatically in the next 15 days, and although there’s no certainty, it’s all the more reason to stay positive. Use the time to reconnect with people, to try a new project, or just pause and reflect. There are friends who are worried about their next paycheck right now, and they need to know that people are there for them, even if it’s just moral support. There are those who are home alone right now, and could use the sound of a friendly voice, letting them know that you care.
We’ll all get through this together. 😊❤️👍
I’m makes me very happy to see how music has been such a positive force during these trying times….from celebrities doing live concerts online, to kids playing music on their porch to entertain their neighbors, you can never underestimate the power of music. I’m even thinking of doing something online, as like many of my musician friends, we don’t know when our next gig will be. We’ve gotta keep moving forward, sticking together, and making changes to better the lives of others.
I needed to write this morning. I felt this burst of energy that would not let me fall back asleep, even though its Saturday morning at 7:21 am, and I don’t have to get up for anything this morning.
My close friends and some of my family are aware of this, and I’ve gone back and forth in my head about writing this blog post. To not write about it would be out of fear, for which I have no reason to feel fear, shame, guilt or blame. And as I write this blog as my way of “journaling”, I said that I was going to write this for me first and foremost.
A little over two weeks ago, I had two very severe panic attacks, fueled by my depression being at one of the lowest points it has ever been. Although I know I would never go so far as to take my own life, I started thinking and dwelling about if the people I love would be better off without me bringing them down. I had a lot of little things triggering my depression, and I was spiraling downward in a way that I didn’t understand. On Friday February 21st at 1pm, I went to my boss and told her what was happening, and that I needed help. I’m incredibly thankful that my boss and my company understand the importance of mental health issues, and that I was not made to feel ashamed or weak. I was placed on medical leave, which was exactly what I needed. My doctor reviewed and adjusted my medication, and I’ve been doing therapy sessions both virtual and in person over the last two weeks.
I’m thankful that I still had other events and opportunities over these past two weeks to give me something to focus on (and from which to find some inner strength). I had two gigs with Ryan the weekend of the 21st, and to me, these were divine intervention. I’ve never been happier that Ryan had laryngitis, as it forced me to concentrate on doing all of the singing for those two nights, and the sense of accomplishment is what carried me through that weekend. At that point, I hadn’t told anyone besides Jenn what was going on, and I’m glad that I was able to hold it together. Although it may look like I’ve been having these “fun trips” recently, these trips were made for a very specific reason. I NEEDED to go to Ithaca, as I needed to go somewhere where I felt a sense of past success and accomplishment, and a place where I had a lot of positive memories. Seeing some of my former professors and reminiscing about concerts and performances was incredibly uplifting. Having my brain picked in a very positive way by music school undergraduates gave me a sense of positive reinforcement as a mentor, and this is something that I have not felt for quite some time. During these past two weeks, I’ve made day trips to reconnect with longtime friends, and ask for their support and understanding. (Cyndi and Lynn – thanks for catching up at the Park City Diner – your wisdom and your humor was EXACTLY what I needed the other day!)
Because at the end of the day, it’s all just stuff.
Over the past week, I’ve also been doing a lot of reading about mental health – although it’s hard to sometimes accept that the chemicals in our brains can be out of balance, it saddens me that there is still such a negative stigma around mental health. I also have come to realize that I’ve probably had depression for at least 35 years, as I remember times in high school (and during my first year at Ithaca) where I felt similar to how I felt two weeks ago. Sadly, back in those days the ignorant answers were “deal with it” and “suck it up”….I’m sure there are going to be those who read this and think this blog post is for sympathy and attention – if you are one of those people, please take a few minutes to give yourself a “rectal/cranial inversion”…..300 million people worldwide suffer from depression – I know I have friends who also are focused on their mental health, and I’m sure there may be some who may be afraid to acknowledge or take action to their mental health issues. I hope by writing this post, it may give them the courage to take that first step, and that It may give them a glimmer of hope that they’re not alone in how they feel.
I should hopefully be going back to work next week. I’m not asking for anything different when I return. I hope that people don’t feel like they need to handle me with kid gloves, or fear that I’ll explode over any little thing. I also understand that their reactions are something I have no control over, and that my focus needs to be positive regardless of how I’m received. Over the past two weeks, one of the challenges I’ve felt every day (practically every hour that I’m awake) is how to rebuild myself from the ground up – not change who I am, but how to respond and react differently to my “triggers” than I ever have before. I didn’t get this way overnight, and it won’t be immediate, but the goal is steady progress and change, and to not beat myself up so badly if/when I take a step backwards.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present. Although I have depression, I’m choosing not to “suffer” from it anymore. I’m going to enjoy the warmth of the mental sunlight.
After what can only be described as a mentally exhausting week last week, I had the opportunity to go back to my alma mater yesterday, the Ithaca College School of Music. This was the first time I had been back since October of 2012, and the 7 1/2 years is the longest period of time I’ve ever had between visits.
As I hadn’t told anyone in advance of going, I didn’t know who I’d run into, or what to expect. I went with the goal of seeing the new buildings on campus, and to hopefully see a rehearsal or two. From the moment I stepped into the music school at around 10:30 yesterday morning, I felt a sense of being back home, as everyone was very welcoming. I had the opportunity to reconnect with professors I haven’t seen in many years (one since I graduated 30 years ago), and I had a chance to make connections with newer faculty members as well. One of the current faculty members oversees the “Career Orientation” class for music majors, and she’s coordinating to have me come as a guest speaker next year. I hope this comes to fruition, as it would be an incredible way to give back!
I was truly blown away by the different ensembles and different styles of music I heard throughout the day. There was a faculty audition recital yesterday which featured different styles of African-American music (including some funk with a Hammond B3!). The school now has an African Drum and Dance Ensemble…I saw this group perform at the Cortaca game last fall, and thought that the group was a separate entity not connected to the School of Music. It truly warms my heart to see how the school has embraced these different styles of music, and that the school now has an annual Gospel Music Festival and Competition. In 1990, I was the ONLY person of color in the School of Music graduating class. I can’t put into words how appreciative I am of the progress that has been made.
Ithaca College Choir rehearsal
I got to spend some quality time with one of my favorite professors yesterday, who without question is one of the greatest teachers that I’ve ever had. Steve Brown is the retired Professor of Jazz Studies at IC, and he was the founder of Jazz Studies at the School of Music. I was fortunate to play in the IC Jazz Ensemble throughout my time as an undergrad, and in addition to studying jazz improvisation with Steve, I had the chance to gig with him on many occasions, including Steve accompanying me on jazz guitar for my performance during a voice master class. If not for Steve and Dave Riley, I would not be playing music professionally, as I learned so many valuable lessons (both in jazz and in life) from them, and these are lessons I still use to this day. Steve and I are hopefully going to record this summer, as I would love to record our arrangement of “Someone To Watch Over Me”, which I performed in the master class 32 years ago.
With Steve Brown….the hippest of ALL cats!
I had the chance to listen to the Choir rehearsal as well as a voice studio repertory class yesterday afternoon. This brought back wonderful memories of being a voice major, and to see the students getting the same instruction and feedback that made a positive difference for me so many years ago was truly inspiring. I also got to sit in and watch both the jazz ensemble and vocal jazz ensemble rehearsals last night. These were two of my favorite ensembles to perform with as an undergrad, and it was fun to listen to both groups and sing with vocal jazz last night!
Ithaca College Vocal Jazz Ensemble rehearsal
Throughout the day yesterday, students asked me what it was like to be a student in the School of Music 30 years ago. Even though there are a ton of technological advancements since I was there, in a good way a lot of things are still the same. I told them all the same thing – these are the years that will lay the foundation of your life – you will become a professional musician in your musical path (education, performance, composition), you will make lifelong friends and connections, and you will look back on this one day as one of the best experiences of your life….embrace EVERY opportunity. Hindsight is 20/20….there are things and experiences that I wish I had done all those years ago, but to see these things vicariously through the eyes of the current students yesterday means the world to me. I’ve never been more proud to be an alumnus of the Ithaca College School of Music than I am today.
This is one those times that I’m thankful that blog writing has been such a tremendous asset and a very helpful outlet for me.
Sometimes you don’t realize that you’re a powder keg until you explode. It can be an outward meltdown, or a internal reaction that just makes you shut down completely.
My depression kicked my ass this week…I started spiraling early in the week, and had my full-on meltdown/shutdown between Tuesday and Thursday. Before this week, I’d only had two previous panic attacks in my entire life. I had them on back-to-back days this week, each followed by incredible anger (emotional, not physical) then completely shutting down. It hurt and scared the person I love, and it also impacted my staff and some of my colleagues, as I was very quiet and short-tempered.
I’m thankful to have such an amazing therapist…in some ways, her demeanor reminds me of Joe Montana’s demeanor in high-pressure games when he was the QB of the 49ers. She has a very calming presence, and she helps tremendously in organizing my thoughts (which was absolutely impossible for me to do on Wednesday and Thursday). She helped me put together a health plan of action, including seeing my doctor, developing new coping skills, and finding ways to be more self-soothing with my emotions. I’m just now realizing how many “triggers” I’ve been dealing with, and how even the smallest ones have been setting me off at such a dangerous level.
I hate that depression in some ways is still viewed as a weakness. It’s not…not at all. It can be very debilitating both emotionally and physically. I’ve had a knot in my neck and shoulder for over three weeks, and I don’t question that it’s stress-related. I went back and reread my blog post from the other day….holy shit, was I spiraling….I’m not going to delete or edit the post, as it will be a reminder for me to be aware if I’m on solid ground or not.
I’m so incredibly thankful to have my wife and a group friends (some that have recently come into my life) that care and understand. I’m on the road back…I didn’t become this way overnight, and I won’t work through all of this in a single day. It’s a process, and I have faith that I’ll get through it.
With Ryan and Erik….and some amazing brussel sprouts.
Playing gigs this weekend is tremendously helpful, as I can focus on the joy of doing what I’m very passionate about. As Ryan has not yet been medically cleared to start singing again, I’m thankful to be doing the heavy lifting with all the lead vocals, as it’s challenged me to learn a number of new tunes (who knew I could sing U2?) and have fun while doing so. We played at Clyde’s in Ashburn VA last night, and it was just what I needed…a small place with a decent-sized appreciative audience. It was a great night of music, and it allowed me to really feel good about myself for a few hours. (And yes, I went by L Train…I won’t cringe anymore if introduced by my real name, but I still prefer L Train.)
My sanctuary this weekend.
An added bonus of last night’s gig….I realized how much my taste in food continues to evolve as I get older….the brussel sprouts were amazing!
To my wife and to my friends – I love you, and I’m thankful to have you in my life. ❤️
Nothing extravagant took place….in fact, it was a very fun and calm weekend, between Valentine’s Day, playing gigs, spending a day at Avalon, and then spending the holiday in the La-Z-Boy. This weekend was about realization, and making peace with things about my life as I’ve gotten older.
I played a gig on Saturday with Ryan – during this very fun and jam-packed gig, I had a moment of clarity. My musical career has peaked. I know that I’ll never be the musician that my dad and my other music teachers from grade school all the way through college think I should be. I’ve spent 29 years since graduating Ithaca trying to prove my musical worthiness. If I had a dollar for every time I was told “but if you’d only realize your potential…” These are walls that I let control me. It’s why music was never fun. And the part that really fucking sucks is that I did what I wanted to do musically, but I didn’t enjoy it because it wasn’t what was expected of me. THESE WALLS NO LONGER MATTER. It’s also why I now prefer being introduced as “L Train” on gigs, because every time I’m introduced as “Lane Stowe,” I fucking cringe, because it reminds me of what I don’t want to be anymore when I’m playing and singing music. (Ryan and Erin – thank you for supporting me on this more than anyone else!)
I’m working from home today – I definitely feel more productive when I work independently, but at the same time, I didn’t feel like having another “glass ceiling” day, where colleagues from other departments look or speak to me like I’m below them, or because my focus on my team’s metrics and accountability may annoy them. I’ve worked in Customer Service, Client Services and Management for nearly 30 years. I’ve been surrounded by friends and acquaintances who have or have had careers that will far surpass mine, and I’ve worked with my share of assholes over the past 30 years as well. I know that I’ve gone as far as I can go in my line of work. Although retirement is not yet an option, and I will always try and give 110% in my job, I no longer care about busting through any glass ceilings. This is not about failure or giving up – its the acceptance that my job will never be my passion, and that I will no longer self-define myself or allow others to define me based on if I’m a Manager, Director, VP or janitor. THE GLASS CEILING DOES NOT MATTER.
No walls, no ceiling. Just the optimism of knocking down the past and building for the future.
These “walls and ceilings” have dictated my life….it’s why on Saturday I posted a gig picture of me and Ryan on LinkedIn….one of the messages was “Do what you love, and love what you do.” I’m 50 years old, and I’m still figuring that out…and that’s actually a good thing.
As bad as the damage was to the lodge at Avalon on New Years Eve, there was a lot of optimism and hope there on Sunday. They will rebuild, start anew and be better than ever because of the strong support and faith of the community.
Although she’s still around. we haven’t crossed paths yet. I made a decision to forgive her late last year. This is why I haven’t made mention of her in quite a while, and it’s also why I’ve focused on having a more positive outlook with my posts (for the most part). I felt like if I couldn’t forgive, how can I expect others to forgive me?
I don’t worry about getting her forgiveness in return…there are some things for which I’d like to “clear the air” with her, but it’s not high on my priority list.
Absolute truth. Words that I now try to live by.
One of my co-workers had a very sad family tragedy last week…it made me think about how life can be so unexpectedly short, and how little value (actually, no value whatsoever) there is in carrying grudges and being unforgiving and vengeful. I choose not to be that way, and I’m a better and happier person for doing so.
We shall see what the future brings, but in my book rest assured, Miss Vitriol 2019 did not retain her title as “Miss Vitriol 2020.”
I had a strange dream last night…I had an identical twin, but at any given moment, I could switch back and forth between the two of us, kind of like John Travolta and Nicolas Cage in FaceOff…there wasn’t any violence in the dream, but I could see things from two very different perspectives.
The last few days have had some significant highs and lows…I’ve seen moments of joy and moments of tragedy. In therapy yesterday, I was challenged to focus on staying in “the grey area” – not getting too excited or too depressed. I feel like the dream I had last night is connected to this.
Black and white makes it easier for me to be “grey.”
My challenge to myself is to “get out of my head”, and not become so isolated, especially when I’m in a negative or depressed headspace. It was strange to see and have a conversation with my “twin” in my dream, but it also gave me an “outside perspective” of how I appear to and communicate with others when I’m in that frame of mind.
This week, my goal is simple….I need to “stay in the grey”….to not get too jacked up about exciting opportunities, and to not feel like I’m on “the express train to Suckville” when I’m feeling down.
How ironic that when I focus on not being so “black and white” about situations, I’m usually in the grey? Go figure.
Lane's Back Nine - my online diary as a 55-year old 