25 years ago today….

Columbus Day, 1994….this was the day I moved into my very first apartment at Applewood Acres in Clarks Summit, Pennsylvania….I remember banging my head numerous times on the dining room chandelier each time I walked by until they brought in the dining room table, my downstairs neighbor bringing me a six pack to welcome me to the building, and the combination of feeling excited and intimidated by having my very own place for the first time.

It’s hard to believe that it’s literally been half of my lifetime since this day….this was before I knew some of the key people who would come into (and in some cases, leave) my life, and before I had any true concept of who I was or would become.

It’s easy to wonder how my life would be different had I not been transferred to Pennsylvania, but if this time and place in my life had not happened, I don’t think my life would be as complete…and if I could go back, I wouldn’t change a thing. You have to experience bad things in life to truly appreciate the good things, and who I am and where I am now are a direct result of my time in Clarks Summit….thank you, Applewood Acres. ❤️

im not a square peg….im a rhombus.

I had one of those moments last night…the one where I felt like I didn’t fit in with the people around me, and where I’d normally be down about feeling so different.

Then for the first time (in a very long time) I felt a moment of clarity this morning – I thought about one of the things that I was challenged in therapy to do about my lack of self-esteem in moments like this – my “words of meditation”….simple, but so effective…

“I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…..and that’s OK.”

Being the “square peg” implies negativity, as if my flaws are why I don’t fit in with a certain group. I love that I have a creative sense of humor, but that I’m also an introverted extrovert. (Sidebar: if you’re one of those people who thinks I’m upset when I’m quiet, please re-read the last part of the previous sentence.) There’s no shame in being different this way. And it takes a LOT of patience to stay positive when you’re perceived to be the “square peg” by the people around you.

So today, I fully embrace being 180 degrees different from the people I will be around, and it’s not my worry if they can’t deal with it. Why be a predicable “square”, when I can embrace being a different and unique “shape?”

With all due respect to Paul McCartney and John Lennon…..I am the RHOMBUS. (Koo-koo ka-choo.) 😎

revenge….so not worth it.

This is one of those moments where I wish I could talk to the 20-year-old me….I always felt the need to feel vindicated, whether I felt wronged by someone, or to ensure I had the last say in the matter, one way or another.

Three things I learned this year that have given me a much clearer perspective:

Forgive.

Other opinions or judgements don’t define who I am.

It’s better to be happy than always try to be right.

It’s easier said than done….as much as I wanted to rip “Miss Vitriol 2019” a new one face to face for the horrible things she said to me, it felt better to write how I was feeling in this blog, as I know she won’t see it (and maybe five people will at most).

Hindsight is 20/20….hopefully this will help my foresight become clearer when people try to push my buttons.

the fork in the road.

As I’m sitting here listening to the waves of the Pacific crashing on the shore before the sun comes up to greet them, I can’t help but think about how I ended up here…not so much on how I’m on vacation, but how I’m where I am in my life.

The first 50 years of my life were littered with mistakes. I spent more time in my head thinking about what I’d do differently if I could go back and fix/change each mistake instead of being present to those around me. Every day I became obsessed with dwelling on my failures.

I came to the “fork in the road” this year…I’m very thankful to my therapist for challenging me to take a positive look at my life, and to better understand the things that trigger my negativity. I’ve had to let go to a number of unhealthy friendships – these were friends who felt the need to remind me of my mistakes and perceived shortcomings, or friends that were only “acquaintances by association.”

It’s definitely a journey….the hardest part about the fork in the road is letting go of the fear of what others think of me. In therapy I realized how a life of music makes this very challenging – auditions, being scored in competition, playing for non-appreciative audiences, etc. This has always consumed me, and this has made me conditioned to accept failure. Each day is a baby step – finding a way to “flip the switch” when my mind goes to the negative.

“We’re all unique, and we’re all gifted….no person is any better than any other.” I wish I’d heard that when I was younger, or at least could understand or have felt that way. I’m thankful that I have my life going forward to have a new, positive outlook. This is why I’m amazed at where I am right now – I never thought I’d be able to change my mindset, if not for the fork in the road.

thank you for your service.

I had the incredible honor of sitting next to retired Marine Tim Perry on my flight this morning. He served in Vietnam, where his uncle also served, and was killed in combat.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again…it doesn’t matter on which side of the aisle your political beliefs are based….anyone who has served and fought for our country deserves our UTMOST RESPECT. We have the freedoms that we have today (including acting like idiots on social media) because of the sacrifices made by our veterans.

My conversation with Tim this morning is something that I will ALWAYS remember, and I feel incredibly honored to have had the opportunity to be his seat mate today. #thankyouforyourserviceandsacrifice 😊❤️🇺🇸

With Tim Perry, USMC (Retired) 🇺🇸