Lane's Back Nine – my online diary as a 55-year old

If any one particular year stands out more than any of the others in my almost-55 years on this planet, far and away the year is 1987.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I’ve never had quite a rollercoaster year before or since.

The year seemed to start on a high note….I was Dean’s List at my community college (where I fulfilled my senior year of high school), my beloved New York Giants won their first-ever Super Bowl, I got accepted to Ithaca College, and I met the person who would give me my first true case of puppy love.

Things seemed to be going well….and then BAM! Reality started to hit me, in ways I wish I understood then the way I do now.

The LAST thing I wanted to do was go to my high school graduation that June. But as my dad was a well-admired retired teacher, the optics would have been pretty bad if I blew it off. So I kind of found a “happy medium”….I walked out before it was over. It wasn’t much fun watching people win awards for which I was deemed ineligible, but then to take a direct hit of silly string to my right eye? Fuuuuuuck that….it was “peace out”. Needless to say, this did not go over well with dear old Dad. After grounding me for the entire summer (which my mom got reduced to a weekend), my dad and I had a rift that was never resolved. This was just the beginning.

Boy, do I wish I had a reset button. If I had a DeLorean and could go back to the Fall of 1987, I’d do it in a heartbeat. With the exception of my grades, my first semester at Ithaca was a social disaster. Becoming more aware of my social areas of improvement would’ve been a big help. I learned from this, but damn, it cost me dearly that year.

My Giants got their butts handed to them by the Chicago Bears in the Monday Night Football season opener, and then the NFL strike that year destroyed their season. Maddie left David on Moonlighting…..my world was upside down.

1987 was the only year that I had nothing but spaghetti for Thanksgiving. I spent the day before Thanksgiving in the infirmary with a severe case of food poisoning from a turkey sub. Good times!

I’m sure there were some good experiences that took place during the entire course of that year, on which I’m currently blanking. I’m thankful for the friends I made that year who are still friends to this day. I’m grateful that they saw our commonalities, and they didn’t give up on our friendships.

I still can’t help but have “What If?” moments from that year, as things seemed very extreme. Questions like “What if I’d taken the stairs at MENC All Eastern Choir that year and never met Mandy in the elevator?” Or “What if I hadn’t crashed and burned that first fall semester?”

Life happens the way it’s supposed to happen, and I know that I’m where I’m supposed to be in life on July 27, 2024….

…..but I’ll always wonder about what could’ve happened if events had gone a little bit differently here and there.

(And by the way, in all of my What If scenarios, the Giants WIN the Super Bowl….just sayin’.)

It only took 54 1/2 years, but for the very first time, a butterfly landed on my nose this weekend. Beyond being very shocked, I was also extremely intrigued.

According to Google, a butterfly that lands on you is a sign of someone from beyond watching over you, or a message from a spirit guide. It’s also a sign of inevitable change.

There is no doubt that my mom is watching over me. She always looked out for me and my brother, and she was my best friend.

Knowing that she’s watching over me is very comforting, because I know she’s also watching over my daughter.

Inevitable change – that’s actually a fantastic description of the last 9 months. Stepping away from music and into neurodivergence is something that has changed my life for the better. It’s nice to finally be able to visualize success instead of visualizing failure, and having to live with the fear of failure happening on a daily basis.

They say that things happen for a specific reason….a little butterfly has inspired big changes.

Ironically, one of my mom’s favorite songs was “Someone To Watch Over Me.” Now I know why.

Thank you, Mom. Love you. ❤️

Happy Father’s Day!

In years past, this was an uncomfortable weekend for me, but the last two years have been very joyful, as I’m proud to be Lauryn’s dad, and I’m also very proud to be Milo’s “G” and Otto’s “puppy papa!”

This was a great weekend…I spent yesterday with my friends at Avalon in West Virginia, and enjoyed an absolutely beautiful day up in the Shenandoah Mountains. Today after church, I got to do two things I truly love – RV browsing and car shopping! It’s the little things that make me happy.

I’ve spent the majority of my weekend outdoors in the beautiful sunshine…these are the types of days that I dream about in frigid January. It was a gorgeous drive back to Virginia yesterday, with the top down on a glorious afternoon.

Although things are still estranged with Lauryn, I can’t help but feel hopeful about the future. She’s turned into a beautiful and smart young woman, and I couldn’t be prouder of her.

To be able to have the three of them in my life wouldn’t just be a ray of sunshine….it would also be a ray of hope.

“So now that you know about your autism diagnosis, how will this change things?”

This is the question I’ve received the most over the last few weeks. Awareness has been the biggest change going forward, as I’m much more cognizant of the people and situations around me.

Hindsight has truly been 20/20 on this journey, as it’s helped me to discover something that has caused me to make a lot of mistakes…I have an emotional blind spot.

Who amongst us hasn’t wished for a “do-over” for how we’ve reacted in a given situation? My do-over list was humongous – either I reacted irrationally or with immaturity, or I missed queues that were obvious to the others around me.

Self forgiveness has helped me to put these things in the rear view mirror, and I’ve apologized to a number of people who I feel I had wronged.

More than anything else, I’ve embraced an attitude of gratitude. I’ve gotten to know others around me who have been diagnosed as being on the spectrum, and I feel much more comfortable in situations where I’ve always felt awkward.

On the gig I played over Memorial Day Weekend, there was a level of comfort that I have not felt in years. I didn’t have that feeling of needing to be “on”, nor did I have the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, which has been incredibly crippling in the past. I attribute this to my awareness of the blind spot.

Going forward, I can only hope that I see things much more clearly on this journey of neurodivergence, and that there are no blind spots going forward – may they only be in my rear view mirror.

It finally happened.

The New York Times asked the proverbial question….who’s bigger, The Beatles or Taylor Swift?

To answer this question with a question, in 100 years from now, what music will still be considered timeless?

It’s not about how many albums you sell (or stream, or download, or whatever floats your boat). It’s about the quality, the impact and the message of the music. As Taylor Swift is smashing Billboard records right now, it’s a very intriguing question.

An example – Beyoncé just released “Cowboy Carter”, and it’s moved its way up the country charts. Just curious – how many people still listen to “Crazy in Love” the way they did when it came out 20 years ago, the way we still listen to Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean?” It’s very easy to say an artist is #1 of all time (Kenny G), but how many people remember any of his songs besides “Songbird?”

100 years from now, people will still be listening to John Coltrane’s Giant Steps, Stevie Wonder’s Songs in the Key of Life, and The Beatles catalog, as these albums have incredible substance, and we still listen with wonder as to how they crafted such incredible music. (Hell, we may never figure out the brilliance of Jimi Hendrix.) Will we still be listening to Taylor Swift? I hope so, because she’s taking the time and effort to try and craft good music, instead of just being the “music of the moment.”

I could be wrong, but will people be listening to Cardi B in 100 years? Doubtful. Most pop music today is visual, with the music more as background filler. Think of how many great songs we still listen to from the 60’s and 70’s (already over 50 years old), that did not have music videos made to promote the songs? The music itself is what we remember.

Just like we’ve gone from albums to CD’s to downloads and streaming, at some point videos could become extinct….it makes me wonder how many of today’s acts would be one-hit wonders if not for the videos making the songs popular. From Debbie Gibson vs. Tiffany, Britney vs. Christina, and the ongoing one name pop stars (Ye, Rihanna, Ciara, et al.), music videos are what drove their popularity, and they are all the music of the moment. Besides “Hit Me Baby One More Time”, which songs haven’t become novelty at this point?

The one idiom where it’s still about the music, and the videos are somewhat secondary is country music, where it’s still all about the songwriting, the way it should be. Every time I listen to country music, I wonder which songs will become timeless classics, as it takes a lot of hard work to craft a song to the top of the country music charts. As Taylor Swift started as a country artist, she honed her craft before crossing over to pop. I’m highly doubtful that Bad Bunny has put in the same amount of time and effort.

The Taylor Swift level of popularity is on par with the popularity of Michael Jackson, Madonna and Prince in the 80’s. This is definitely rarified air. She seems to be level headed, and that she has the opportunity to break the mold of the current pop star longevity. For her sake, I hope she continues to write and perform…she has the opportunity to reach a musical icon status, and that would be quite a feat.

As for if she’s bigger than the Beatles? Time will decide.

I waited a few days to put some extra thought into what I wanted to write for this post.

I respect David Sanborn the same way that basketball fans respect Larry Bird, or baseball fans respect Mickey Mantle. To me, his music is timeless and legendary. I don’t doubt that people will still be listening to his music for years to come, and I hope that his music will now have a resurgence, even if only in the world of “smooth jazz.”

I’ll start at my beginning. I was very fortunate to become friends with David’s son Jonathan back in high school in the fall of 1983. I looked up (and still look up) to Jonathan, a great friend and fantastic musician in his own right. In addition to taking me under his wing, Jon indirectly turned me on to his dad’s music, as I started listening to albums where his dad was a sideman (Bowie, Carly Simon, James Taylor, etc.) By the time I listened to David’s “Hideaway” album for the first time, I already had an incredible appreciation of his talent and his influence as a sideman.

There was many a Friday morning when I went to school very tired from staying up and watching David Letterman the previous night, as David Sanborn regularly sat in with Paul Shaffer and the World’s Most Dangerous Band most Thursday nights. In hindsight, I have no regrets about my lack of sleep or my grades, as this was a far more valuable education in music!

It was with my friend Sean Tarleton that I heard Sanborn’s “Straight to the Heart” album for the first time. This was a total game changer for me. Hearing Sanborn playing live with a killer band of Marcus Miller, Hiram Bullock, Don Grolnick and Buddy Williams turned my world upside down….I became obsessed with this album, and not a day went by during the summer of 1985 that I didn’t listen to the album in its entirety.

At that point, I went back to listen to all of his previous albums, and I have each of his solo albums in my collection. In addition to having an incredibly soulful sound, David Sanborn’s playing has a unique, almost trademarked sound, as you can identify it right away from the first note. It’s said that he brought saxophone back to rock n’ roll, and I believe that. He’s composed and been featured in movie scores (Lethal Weapon immediately comes to mind), and his television show Sunday Night/Night Music was a progressive program which showcased an eclectic mix of music and musicians.

Hearing the news of his passing was like a shock to the system. I knew that he was having issues with his back, but I did not know the extent of his illness. He was so dedicated to his fans that he was still going on the road to play concerts, and I have the utmost respect for that. He easily could have retired, but he still wanted to make music, and get the energy back from the audience that he also gave to the audience.

My world will be forever changed, as are the lives of fans of his music all over the world. Even though I’m a trumpet player, i appreciated the too-many-to-count musical ideas I got from listening to his music, and I’ll continue to listen and learn, as his virtuosity covers numerous idioms of music. Name another sideman who played at the original Woodstock, played with Miles Davis, Stevie Wonder, James Taylor, Pure Prairie League, Roger Waters, Burt Bacharach, and took the time to record music for a Fisher Price toy for his grandchildren….

My heart goes out to Jonathan and his family, to David’s wife Alice, and to all of his friends and family…we’ve lost a true legend.

Thank you for your music, your talent, your personality, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for being my hero.

Rest in Peace. ❤️🎷😔

This is a special weekend.

Our grandson turns one year old.

Although I’m not his biological grandfather, I get to be his “G”, which is a responsibility that I don’t take lightly.

His birthday party was today – it was very special to see all of the love he received from family and friends. It was also amazing to see how he ended up with chocolate frosting behind his ear from his “smush cake!”

Happy 1st Birthday, Milo….may you always feel loved and valued, because you are TRULY loved and valued. ❤️

Greetings from Fall Creek, Wisconsin!

1. REAL cheese curds.

2. The rollercoasters at the Mall of America.

3. The genuine politeness of people. You really feel it here.

4. The briskness that’s still in the air here in April.

5. Making new friends that are very down to earth.

6. Drinking coffee, eating monkey bread, and listening to the Grateful Dead on an overcast Sunday morning.

7. That people of different backgrounds can focus on commonalities instead of differences.

8. That there’s little to no light pollution near Eau Claire, and at night, it’s pitch black!

9. The music of Larry McCray – a soulful mofo blues guitarist from Detroit.

10. Wonderful camaraderie.

A good friend and former client reached out to me today.

As we were discussing life in general, I let them know about finding out that I’m on the spectrum. In a good way, this did not come as a surprise to them. They gave me some very helpful constructive criticism – they made me aware that they’ve always seen my moments of social awkwardness, and how I sometimes miss the emotional cues of others.

This was incredibly validating, as I’ve always felt socially awkward, and when I’m in that “fight or flight” state of awkwardness, I definitely go into a tunnel vision frame of mind.

My takeaway from this is that I have an opportunity to be more mindful of others, especially in those awkward, tunnel vision moments.

I sometimes struggle to stay in the moment. More often than not, I get triggered to something from my past, and my mind gets totally focused on a previous trauma. This often happens without me saying a single word. In my head, I start to think about music as a way of calming down, but at this point, I’m truly no longer in the moment.

This is a tremendous opportunity – to be much more mindful in the moment of the people and situations taking place. Right now it feels easier said than done.

Although my friend thinks it’s a bad idea to stop playing music because it’s my outlet, I know that mindfulness far outweighs playing and singing right now.

Although I love Hawaii and Arizona, right now my two favorite states are mindfulness and gratitude.

Yesterday was a memorable day.

It started with me singing karaoke last night.

This took place as a work-sponsored event, plus it gave me the chance to catch up with some colleagues who I have not seen in a while.

It was fun to “knock some rust off the pipes” singing a couple of songs I know (Sinatra, Tony Bennett, Stevie Wonder), and a couple I kinda know (Queen – Under Pressure).

Ironically, I felt no pressure at all, as everyone was there solely to have a nice time and some great camaraderie. It was a nice way to do something musical without “doing something musical”…..still not in the mindset of playing gigs, but there’s a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

After I got home, I had a chance to talk with a friend who recently lost their daughter in a car accident. It was the first time we’ve had a chance to connect since it happened, and I could feel the heartbreak and sorrow in each and every word. We only talked briefly, but they told me about a project that they hope to do as a way of remembering their daughter. Hearing this news was very inspiring, as it gave me a clearer perspective on how to push forward even when I don’t see or feel the motivation to do so.

As I’m trying to maintain a relationship with my daughter Lauryn (still an uphill battle), and trying to find that missing musical spark, yesterday was one of those days I will never forget.

To my friend and their family, I continue to keep you in my thoughts each and every day, and I have the utmost love and respect for you. Thank you for having the courage and perseverance to take that first step, and for helping me to do the same.