If April 1st is April Fools’ Day, to me April 2nd shall henceforth be known as “The Day of Clarity.”
Throughout my musical career, I’ve had many people who have inspired me….some have even been (and still are) my “artistic muses,” people who not only inspire me, but who I’ve used as motivation to be consistent when I perform. I’ve been fortunate enough to share with some of them how they’ve inspired me with their talent and their spirit, and how it has been a blessing.
When these people would come to a concert or gig, I absolutely knew I had to bring my A+ game. Sometimes these were people that I was performing with, and sometimes they were a person in the audience, who I really appreciated that they made time for me.
My self-realization yesterday was that I made a mistake – someone who I always thought of as a muse was never one to begin with, and that I’ve allowed their words to have too much of a negative influence on my life for far too long. I stopped playing music because of this person’s hurtful words, and I’ve wasted too much time trying to make amends, out of fear of losing what I thought was a person of incredible inspiration.
Dear Miss Vitriolic – may you have nothing but happiness and success in your life’s journey. It’s time for me to move on.
I know that I need to be more realistic and careful about putting people on an artistic pedestal going forward. This person’s motivation was much more about their image and self appearance, and I mistakenly thought that they had a genuine interest in something that I’m incredibly passionate about. Fool me once, shame on me.
What does the future hold? I don’t know yet. I’m not going to rush back into playing gigs, because I’m not sure if that’s what is on the path.
The thought of sharing music with people who have special needs has been on my mind a lot. I enjoy opportunities where I can give back. One of my favorite performance opportunities was co-conducting the band and choir at The Vanguard Group to raise money and awareness for the United Way, and also being the conductor of a choir at Vanguard for a Black History Month performance. It was also a joy to work with high school kids in jazz bands and jazz choirs as an artist-in-residence.
Perhaps these are the “muses” that I should’ve had all along.
1. That I instinctively decided to “journal” yesterday as a way of processing my feelings, instead of spiraling down the rabbit hole.
2. My 4:20am walk with Otto this morning. It’s during these moments I find clarity that can be very healing.
3. That I now better understand why my mind obsesses over random things like “If you break wind while wearing a windbreaker, isn’t that kinda redundant?”
4. That Otto hops up on the bed to ensure that I don’t oversleep, and then he proceeds to go back to sleep. Well played Otto, well played.
Making sure that I’m awake, so that he can go back to sleep.
5. The support not just from my friends, but the support from my neurodivergent friends who have helped to answer a few questions for which I needed clarity and better understanding.
6. The Three L’s. Friends that take unconditional love and support to a whole other level.
7. Family….our weekend in Virginia Beach meant a lot to us, as we spent Saturday with cousins from both sides of the family. Thank you, Melvin, Erin, Stacy and Hernando!
8. The Nike Store. My wardrobe has never been so fabulous and comfortable at the same time.
9. Grunge. Today already feels like a “lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling, and listen to Pearl Jam, Nirvana and Soundgarden on my Air Max headphones” kind of day. (Great idea, Kellie!)
A bonus number 10 – That although I may never get the resolutions in my life that I thought would happen, I’ve spoken my truth. From that I will find closure.
I had something that came up on my Timehop app today that was a frustrating reminder of a mistake I made….a mistake that can be directly attributed to feeling incredibly awkward and feeling incredibly excluded.
The item in my Timehop was an email, where it was said that “nothing constructive” would come from a conversation towards resolution.
This brought feelings of frustration, guilt, and a little bit of anger – by no means did I feel any rage – it’s the feeling of being stuck.
Easy to say…..if only it was just as easy to do.
It’s bad enough that my ex-in-laws treat me like I’m less than human based on their religious arrogance and their greed, but it’s demoralizing when people don’t want to know the truth (or face it), but continue to look down on you like you don’t even exist.
I know this person isn’t worth my time – it’s the struggle of letting it go, especially when I feel triggered by a reminder of what happened.
Truth.
Tomorrow is another day – an opportunity to move forward, to remember the positive moments and experiences of life, to continue to embrace who I am, and to treat people the way I hope to be treated.
Time to put this “April Fool” in the rear view mirror once and for all.
I don’t expect anyone to understand these, but I’m not gonna worry about it.
1. That I found an app that lets me modulate the keys of my iTunes songs, allowing me to listen to them the way I prefer to hear them. (Sorry, Lee. 😉)
2. That I can quickly find the missing 3rd, 4th or 5th harmony in a pop song and sing along. And yes, it’s a pet peeve that they didn’t record it that way to begin with.
3. Just like Kevin Costner in For The Love of the Game, I can activate “the mechanism” when I need to. Sometimes I do this to a fault.
4. That none of the 12 notes on the musical scale taste or smell like liver.
5. That I can recognize the incredible similarity between the late Steve Harwell’s singing voice and comedian Greg Proops speaking voice. Every time I hear “Walkin’ on the Sun”, it makes me want to watch “Whose Line is it Anyway?”.
Whaaaaaat? 😂😂😂
6. That cloudy days don’t feel like they should be in a natural key.
7. That I can vividly remember that Donny Osmond sang backup vocals on Chicago’s “We Can Stop the Hurtin”, Sorrell Booke played Boss Hogg, and Richard Stahl played the chef on “It’s A Living” (I’m forever grateful, Rob Wrate and Roger Shaft.)
8. New York license plates 4XJ-482 and EDY-534.
9. The incredible music of Frank Zappa, which has challenged my sense of sound and color in a way I never thought imaginable.
10. That the journey has just begun, and I hope to enjoy every minute of it. (Donna & Will – thank you both from the bottom of my heart.)
It’s been a helluva week, and it’s only Wednesday.
I was scheduled to have neurophysiological testing at the beginning of April. Because of another patient’s cancellation, I was able to have my appointment and testing yesterday morning and afternoon.
Over the course of several hours, I went through a litany of tests, from being asked very detailed questions (some being very personal), to having to do visual, verbal and mathematical questions (and I am not a fan of math at all). Based on the interview questions and description of the concerns that I have (like having perfect pitch, and being able to taste musical notes….thats some freaky shit), the doctor told me that my “symptoms” align with Autism Spectrum Disorder. He’ll be sending my neurologist a detailed 25-page write up in two weeks, and I’m feeling the perfect balance of fascinated/scared shitless to read the results.
Although I can only make changes going forward, it’s impossible to not look in the rear view mirror at all of the blunders, mistakes and missed opportunities I’ve had. There are so many moments that could’ve had a much different outcome or impact had I been aware of this diagnosis.
What I would give to go back to junior high and high school to relearn all of the different subjects that I struggled with at the time. I used to think I was stupid, and others around me thought I was lazy. We all have different modes of learning, and mine didn’t fit into the expected norm.
Truth be told, when it came to playing music, I was afraid to practice around other people – not for fear of making mistakes, but because of my temper for not being able to sing and play music the way I heard it in my head. (This more than manifested itself later in life when I was playing gigs.)
One of the many faces of autism.
The right (creative) side of my brain is my dominant side….it makes me humorously wonder if God gave me two right sides of the brain by accident. Analytical thinking frustrates me to no end. I can do it, but I truly suck at anything that involves visual analytics. It’s why I despise Microsoft Excel! I thrive when I can use my creativity. I told the doctor yesterday that I wish I had an HDMI input on the side of my head, so I could transmit all of my thoughts to a big screen TV, instead of trying to verbally explain them. Hopefully that technology will be available before I die of old age….and how awesome would that be?
Today is Day 1…..to say that I feel a heightened awareness to every word coming out of my mouth would be a tremendous understatement. I have no expectations of being treated differently. I’m one of the millions or billions of people who falls somewhere on the spectrum, and life will go on as usual. Once the report is finished, I’ll do a deep dive into my areas of opportunity, and hopefully not feel as awkward or excluded as I’ve always felt.
At some point I’m sure I’ll pick up my trumpet and flugelhorn and start practicing again (i.e. yelling multiple expletives because I don’t have my technique where it needs to be) with the goal of possibly playing live music. And the odds are pretty high that I’ll use a fake alias for the first couple of gigs, so that I can do them anonymously.
Again, to my friends who have been aware and very supportive of my journey of discovery, words cannot express my gratitude. From all of this, I hope to be a better person and a better friend, as I know there have been many times when I’ve been on “auto pilot” when people needed my support.
It’s a new beginning, and I hope to make the most of it.
(And by the way, what do you think of the stage name Kirby Irby? 😎)
Tony Robbins said that “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”
It’s been a struggle to figure out my musical path going forward. Music has always been my way of expressing myself creatively. My fear has been that by not playing and singing for audiences anymore, I’ll lose my creative juices and just feel empty.
Change is good….write?
I spoke with a very dear friend yesterday, who pointed out something very obvious to me, to which I’ve been incredibly oblivious. I’ve been writing this blog for almost five years. Even though 99% of this is stream of consciousness, it’s a different form of creative expression. Although the thought of writing term papers and thesis papers has always scared me to death, jotting down my thoughts seems like a breeze!
My new goal is to continue this blog until I’m 60….who knows what adventures will await me in the next five years! I’ve had a couple of challenging creative ideas I may pursue – I’ve always wanted to write a one-act play….maybe now is the time.
It’s time for change….it may be painful and challenging, but in the end, it will be worth it.
There are a number of theories about the afterlife – do we see a bright light, does our entire life flash before our eyes, do we hear the voice of God, or Allah or whatever higher power we choose or don’t choose to believe?
I want to believe that when I get to the afterlife one of these days, the higher powers that be will have created a space for each of us based on the things of genuine importance (spiritual things, not material) that truly resonated with us while we were on Earth.
If you’ve ever seen the movie “Defending Your Life” with Albert Brooks, it paints such a vivid, respectfully humorous picture of what the afterlife could be like. For me, when I get there I’m hoping that the first voice I hear is Jon Facenda, who was dubbed “The Voice of God” for his NFL Films narrative skills. That would be pretty damn cool.
I also hope to be able to hear sounds and see colors that were not able to see and hear as human beings. As an added bonus, I hope that I can hear the most recent music of Hendrix, Prince, Van Halen and Beethoven, and that songs are in keys at least up to K-sharp, as there’s a plethora of different notes to work with! If our spirits don’t die, why can’t they continue to collaborate? I hope that my afterlife includes the music that I love….jazz, R&B, rock and blues….this would make my final resting place even more restful! 😂
If we can have Heaven on Earth, I hope we can also have a slice of Earth in Heaven, where every day is sunny and 75°.
It speaks to the dysfunction of our society that I hope the afterlife is a place of true equality – where those who didn’t end up on the Amtrak to Hell are all very diverse (the more diverse, the better) and all have nothing but utmost respect for each other. If we only had that on Earth now, because it seems to get worse by the day.
Do we get reincarnated and come back to life, like Warren Beatty’s character in Heaven Can Wait, or like his sister Shirley MacLaine strongly believes, with a goal of making significant change for the better for our society?
Do we get the opportunity to reunite with our loved ones? If so, I want to talk with all of my ancestors, to better understand the lives they lived and the things they had to endure. Plus I’d love to talk to innovators, inventors and world leaders. And I hope there’s a way to replay the special moments from our lives…children being born, and the moments where we met people who changed our lives forever. These are the things we never want to forget.
Waiting for the voice of Jon Facenda?
Why has all of this been on my mind? Over the last month, I’ve seen a few close friends go through the tremendous heartbreak of losing a loved one. It’s a pain like no other. I want to believe that those who have departed are in a place of happiness and joy, and that they only want happiness and joy for those they’ve left behind. These are feelings that every human being should be able to have every day.
I wrote this post not to make light of dying and the afterlife, but to share my questions and thoughts, which I’m sure that many people have about it. Dying is inevitable – I don’t fear it, but I hope it doesn’t happen for a VERY long time.
May we all have peace, love and understanding in the time that we have left.
I went to bed last night, fully expecting a wonderful night of sleep. As Jenn is out of town, my routine with Otto runs like clockwork, and I usually get about 8 hours of sleep. Piece of cake.
Boy, was I wrong. A recap…..
2:25 am – the sound of local fire trucks and police sirens responding to a call.
2:26 am – the sound of Otto barking loudly as his response to the sound of the sirens.
2:30 am – the sound of Otto pacing back and forth, because he can’t go back to sleep.
2:35 am – that wonderful feeling when your dog hops up on the bed, and accidentally steps right on your balls.
2:36 – 4:53 am – petting Otto in hopes that he’ll go back to sleep, while constantly avoiding getting hit in the face by his left paw.
4:54 am – Otto hops off the bed, and now I can finally go to sleep.
4:56 am – Otto starts whining to go outside….my replies of “Will you please shut the hell up?” don’t seem to be working.
5:02 am – crawl out of bed and get dressed while listening to Otto having the “zoomies” in the living room.
My 7:30 am look…bright-eyed and floofy-faced.
5:05 – 6:00 am – walking Otto in the rain, thinking he needs to “do his business”…..NOTHING.
6:01 am – dry Otto off, crawl back upstairs, get undressed and try to get 45 minutes of sleep before my alarm goes off.
6:10 am – Otto comes up the stairs, comes into the bedroom, and hops right up on the bed, fortunately missing my balls this time.
6:10 – 6:30 – petting Otto so that he doesn’t bark and wake the neighbors, avoiding the left paw, and forgoing 20 minutes of sleep.
6:30ish – Otto proceeds to hop off the bed, lay down on the floor, and go right to sleep. Asshat.
The instigator. He’s lucky he’s so handsome.
7:30 am – after hitting the snooze button multiple times, and listening to Otto snore on the bedroom floor, I crawl out of bed to “begin” my workday.
7:32 am – after laying in bed for two minutes trying to find the energy to get up while completely disheveled, unshaven, and with a beard full of floof, I brush my teeth, get dressed, and take Otto to doggy daycare, so that he can have a wonderful day with his pals.
As some of my friends and family know, I’m trying to confirm if I’m somewhere on the autism spectrum. (Being able to taste musical notes isn’t the norm? Really?)
In April, I’m scheduled for a full day of extensive tests, which should hopefully give me more clarity about the issue. The testing will include psychological, physical and cognitive tests. It will be a day to remember, I’m sure.
To others, my life won’t appear to have any significant change once I get an answer. I’m treating this with the same level of concern as wanting to find out if I had a major illness – it will help to reconcile years of emotionally destructive behavior, and give me a clearer path going forward.
The journey has begun.
If I had a dollar for every time I felt socially awkward or reacted in a way that the people around me could not understand (including social media), I could EASILY retire. This is the real reason for why I have stopped playing live music, and why I now have a crippling fear of performing in front of an audience.
Writing this blog has actually been helpful and therapeutic – it feels much safer to tap into my creativity and write how I’m feeling from a place of privacy and comfort, instead of feeling like a square peg in a round hole in front of people, whether it be playing gigs or when I’m in social settings. After 36 years of performing and having to feel “on”, and not having the ability to ever feel “off”, I need to find out the truth.
Like Howard Jones once said, things can only get better. (Hopefully.)
Lane's Back Nine - my online diary as a 55-year old 