Lane's Back Nine – my online diary as a 55-year old

1. Reading Milo a Dr. Seuss bedtime story…although he’s too young to understand, seeing the wonder in his eyes made it totally worthwhile.

2. Milo’s smile and laugh….it’s infectious!

3. Wearing my Milo swag…somebody actually asked me if it was a brand…I’m so proud to be his “G!”

4. His INCREDIBLE happiness….there’s a special joy to be around such a truly happy baby.

5. Milo’s interaction with Otto…they became best friends in a matter of minutes.

6. Playing with Milo and his toys….it’s incredibly cool to see his reaction to sounds, shapes and colors.

7. Sitting in the La-Z-Boy with Milo, listening to Roberta Flack’s ‘Killing Me Softly’ album….it reminded me of special moments with my mom when I was little, listening to the same album.

8. The incredible feeling of peace that I have when Milo is around. It puts everything into a proper perspective.

Thank you Milo….I feel truly blessed.

For the second time in my life, I’ve given up on “The Big Three” – the first was when I said goodbye to GM, Ford and Chrysler and started driving a Honda. The second time happened on Monday.

I decided to not just deactivate the big three social media accounts of Facebook, Instagram and TikTok, I decided to DELETE MY ACCOUNTS PERMANENTLY. Granted I’ll no longer know how to steal a Kia with an iPhone charger or know the most up-to-date gossip about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, but somehow I’ll manage.

The funny thing is I feel more connected to my true friends by not having 4,000 followers. It’s an incredibly freeing feeling, as my life no longer feels on display on a daily basis. After 15 years of being “online”, it feels good to just have this blog, LinkedIn and X (although I never use that one, so it doesn’t feel like I’m on it).

I was watching “The Waterboy” with Adam Sandler and Kathy Bates, and one of my favorite recurring lines in the movie is how Kathy Bates’ character refers everything as “the devil” (or “da debbil”, with her Cajun accent)….that’s kinda how I’m feeling about social media – it’s become stressful for most people, it’s not helping heal the wounds of our country, nor is it a positive for mental health.

I’m focusing on my overall health at this point more than anything else…dropping mainstream social media is a very important step in the process. I look forward to spending the time that I’ve wasted being online doing other healthier and productive things.

Maybe I’ll get a “new” Kia?

I’ll let the pictures do the talking….

Dear Barry Sanders – now I totally understand why you walked away from pro football when you did.

I played my last gig this past Saturday. Since that time, I’ve received a barrage of people saying “you’ll be back”….

What many don’t realize is that my “retirement” process started last summer, and it’s been eating at me for quite a while.

When my ex-wife died of a brain aneurysm two years ago, my daughter made the decision that she’d rather live with my ex-wife’s parents instead of being with me. Regardless of the impact on my daughter’s mindset, it made me take stock of what’s truly important in life, and in comparison, playing music is no longer important to me.

I had a college professor who once shared a story about how when he was younger and playing in a band, he had this incredible moment of clarity (while playing The Beatles “I Am The Walrus”, no less) from which he decided to stop playing rock music professionally. I had that moment last summer, but I made the decision to keep going, and I’ve felt like I’ve been running on fumes ever since.

Truth is, I have a lot of emotional baggage from years of gigging….mistakes made with other musicians, feeling musically inadequate, and feeling “showy”…..these feelings aren’t going to magically disappear in x number of months. When my friend Pat Cerello died, and the All-Night Band was no more, a part of me died as well….the part of my soul that felt a true connection to the music being performed.

Growing up, I was constantly compared to my brother, my father (a music teacher at my junior/senior high school), and the legacy of Allen Roosa. Allen Roosa was a senior in our high school in 1979, who played trombone, was a drum major of the marching band, and died in a drunk driving accident during Easter break of his senior year. An award was immediately established in music in his name at both my elementary school and my high school. From that point on, the expectation was that all musicians were to match his standard. The personality that I have, which was 180° from the personality of Allen Roosa and my peers, ended up casting a negative vibe to the people around me. Ironically, this is the same personality that served me incredibly well as a professional musician (and with the folks on the Today Show). This might piss off quite a few people in Onteoraland, but after recording three albums, singing with Natalie Cole in LA, and playing professionally in NYC, Philadelphia, DC, and the Northeast, I have nothing more to prove (and I’m not irresponsible enough to drive drunk either).

THIS IS WHY I’M DONE. (Congrats Debbie Kreisberg, the trophy is officially yours. Wini and Krista – I blame you for that last statement, and I haven’t forgotten how you snubbed my mother for her accomplishments as a music teacher in our school district.)

Barry Sanders walked away from football in the prime of his career….he could have easily surpassed Walter Payton as the NFL’s all-time leading rusher. They actually unveiled a statue of Barry Sanders yesterday before the Lions home opener. Barry Sanders made it crystal clear why he hung up the cleats – it wasn’t fun anymore, and he wanted to do something different with his life. People lost their minds over his decision and had the expectation that he should keep playing for the fans. I have to admit, I was one of those people.

The last year of playing gigs was not fun for me at all….it’s not that the gigs were bad (some were actually very good), but my heart is no longer into playing and singing music. Im thankful to have given back to my alma mater with benefit performances, and to have played for many fundraisers over the years. Those gigs will always hold a special place in my heart. I’m very thankful that my last gig was with Erin Cruise and Cruise Control this past Saturday, as this band of incredible musicians brought back some of the joy from my days in the All-Night Band.

Although I appreciate everyone’s concern, it no longer resonates with me that people feel I have a voice that should keep singing. I feel no connection to being an entertainer (sorry, that’s a BIG “showy” negative to me)…..I’d much rather be “G” to my grandson Milo and be Otto’s sidekick than have an opportunity to perform at Radio City Music Hall. I’d rather work towards reconnecting with my daughter than have the chance at performing with my musical idols. (I’d rather have an RV than ever win a Grammy!!)

If this blog post seems arrogant, that’s not the intent. There’s just no other way to convey my feelings.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’m gonna order a Barry Sanders jersey online. He’s currently my role model.

Today was one of those days that will be forever etched into my brain. I’m not sure if dichotomy is the right word to describe today’s events, but it was a day of major thought and reflection.

Today the 60th anniversary of The March on Washington was celebrated in our nation’s capital. Dr. King’s “I Have a Dream” speech was one of the most iconic speeches in our nation’s history, and to see the number of people who came to celebrate the occasion in DC was a sight to behold.

I also had the opportunity to see Richard Thomas portray Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird at The Kennedy Center this afternoon. To say that this play was intense would be a tremendous understatement. This was Aaron Sorkin’s adaptation of the play, and fortunately he knew how to correctly add levity in a play that shows the true underbelly of racism in America. There were moments when I could truly feel the hair standing on my arms because of the incredibly powerful (and disturbing) dialogue.

These two events have made me give great thought to the current social climate. It’s scary to know that a play written by Harper Lee in the mid-50’s about the segregation in Deep South in the mid-30’s would still be so incredibly relevant in 2023. As much as we’ve progressed with technology, we’ve regressed in terms of racism and equality. The words of Dr. King and Atticus Finch have lost their impact in today’s society. We still live with the same fears in 2023 that existed in 1935.

Unfortunately, these same fears were validated this afternoon, as three African-Americans were gunned down by a White supremacist in a Dollar General store in Jacksonville Florida, solely because of the color of their skin.

How do we put this ignorance in the rear view mirror once and for all? How is it that the hopes we had for equality in 1963 seem more advanced than the cold reality of 2023? We’ve gone back to the future, but not in a good way.

My hope is that 60 years from now (if not sooner), we have a society that has more compassion than violence, more respect than hatred, and much more love instead of hate. That the dream of Dr. King will continue to flourish and not die.

That’s the future to which we can hopefully go back.

Sunday, August 13, 2023, 12:15 am, in a tent in Paw Paw, West Virginia

My older brother Lee is a musical prodigy.

There’s no question about that. On a good day, he can tell me what note I’m thinking. I’ve known this my whole life, going back to the days when he would go to Mrs. Jeffries for piano lessons in Woodstock while in elementary school.

I’m the little brother of the prodigy. It pushed me (not always in a good way) to do whatever I needed to do to stand out, even if it was 180% of where it needed to be.

I turn 54 in two days. The older I get, the less I feel intimidated by the statements above.

I’ve lost my “music mojo”, and right now, the journey is to find it again, to the point where I can’t wait to play a gig the way I used to when I was younger. I was very blessed to have a very deep musical conversation with a friend this weekend, and it was after seeing the Dirk Quinn Group (a new favorite)….watching Dirk and his band today really moved me, as their repertoire of jazz/funk went from The Beatles to Stevie Wonder to Jimi Hendrix, to Jaco Pastorius to even Star Wars (The Cantina Scene music)….it was brilliant, the talent on the stage was beyond phenomenal.

There was a moment of clarity this weekend that I’ve never before experienced. There’s no need for me to feel intimidated or feel like I’m a second-rate musically, especially towards my older brother. Sadly, I also realized that this is my true dilemma. I stopped performing music regularly because I feel musically paralyzed as if on auto pilot. Everything music related is nothing more than muscle memory at this point.

I’m looking forward to my next gig (and last gig until who knows), because I’m truly in awe of the members of the Cruise Control Band. I wanted this to be the last gig before stepping away….I truly want to go out on a good note. (pun definitely intended)

I’m very scared to be on musical auto pilot. This feeling is also a big part of my goal of retirement in 5.5 years and two days (age 1/2). That’s when Chapter 3 of my life starts with Chapter 1 being kindergarten through college and Chapter 2 being life from college graduation to retirement. (Oh, the mistakes in Chapter 2!!) Each passing day feels more and more like music won’t be a part of this next chapter.

To my brother Lee I say – THANK YOU for being a role model and inspiration with your music. I now know that it’s time to both musically and emotionally step out of your shadow.

This is in hopes of finding the true love of performing, much more than “playing the gig.”

I wanted to write today…I feel like I needed to write today. It was one of those “meh” kind of days where although nothing bad happened, I had the opportunity to think about things in our society that have me very concerned….I call these “grind” days, because my brain goes a little bit into overdrive as I think things through.

With each passing day, I feel more and more desensitized to the violence that I see on TV and read about online. It almost feels strange when I don’t hear about a shooting or a carjacking. I miss the time in my life where I didn’t have this constant fear. Is there anyplace now where a mass shooting CAN’T happen? There’s a part of my brain that’s on constant alert when I’m in a public place to have an exit strategy. It’s sad, and it’s exhausting.

As I’m approaching 54 in the next few weeks, I find myself thinking about the next chapter of my life….I hope that it’s in a society that becomes more respectful of each other than we are now. I look at Milo and I wonder what things will be like when he’s an adult. I hope his generation doesn’t look back on where we are now as “the good ol’ days.”

Maybe I’m dwelling on this too much today, and I’ll have a different outlook tomorrow. It’s rough when I know that the odds are very high that there will be some type of aggressive violence that will take place here in the DC area tonight, as well as many other places. I will continue to remain hopeful that we will see positive change. The day will come when some type of new technology will replace social media. I pray that this technology will promote positivity as powerfully as social media has bred negativity and conflict.

Maybe then, a lot of our existing problems will come to a “grinding” halt.

I’m beginning to really like country music. Having a chance to see the creative songwriting process close up this past weekend only confirms how I feel.

In addition to going to see my new grandson in Nashville, I also had the opportunity to take in the “Music City” experience….walking down Broadway, where there is live music everywhere you look, to enjoying a couple of “songwriters in the round” performances.

My friend Ula invited us to one of these sessions at the Holiday Inn on the West End – I’ve played many gigs at a Holiday Inn, but none were anything like this! Four incredible songwriters, premiering some of their songs for the first time in addition to their already published music. To hear them speak of their creative process to hearing the finished work left me in complete awe. For all of the cookie-cutter pop songs that all sound the same, I could truly appreciate how these musicians strive for something unique with their music.

On Saturday, we went to The Listening Room Cafe, to see a songwriter who is friends with my stepdaughter and son-in-law. This was an experience I will never forget. The three songwriters all have had tremendous success, writing for artists such as Kenny Chesney, Brad Paisley, Reba McEntire, Lonestar, and Bon Jovi, just to name a few. To hear the stories behind the songs as well as their solo interpretations was mind blowing. I listened to some of the artists’ recordings of these songs, and found the arrangements very intriguing in comparison to the songwriters’ solo guitar versions. As a musician, I had the utmost respect and undivided attention for these performances.

As I’ll be making many more trips to Nashville to see little Milo grow up, I also look forward to taking in many more musical performances. There is a definite parallel between Jazz and country music, as these are true American art forms, as they still require a tremendous amount of musicianship to be successful. I’ll be listening to more country music, with a truer appreciation of the songwriting process.

Who knows….maybe I’ll even get a pair of cowboy boots!

As I’m writing this post, I’m laying in bed listening to Otto snoring on the hardwood floor, and I’m thinking, “Holy crap! I’m a grandfather!” Although I knew this was going to happen, the feeling I have now is much more exciting than I could have ever imagined.

I was asked what I wanted to be called….Grandpa sounds like I’m on The Waltons, and Pop-Pop was my father-in-law’s name, and out of the utmost respect, that name was never an option. I decided to go with “G”, as it has that Men in Black feel to it, and as little Milo learns the alphabet, it’ll be easy for him to remember. As an added bonus, a lot of my Georgetown swag just has the letter G, so I now have another excuse to wear it regularly.

As Milo grows up, I look forward to the curiosity and wonder that he’ll experience. I hope and pray that he grows up in a world that is more peaceful and humane than our world has been. I know that he’ll always know he is loved, and that he will have family that will be there for him always.

What type of “G” should I be? The type that always has change in his pocket to give to his grandchildren? The kind who wears khakis and New Balance sneakers, or do I become the porkpie-hat-wearing-pipe-smoking-listening-to-Miles-Davis-in-his-Cadillac “G”? I guess time will tell. And of course there could be “G with the RV”….with each passing day, the things that I used to do to define myself seem far less important. Like Bleek at the end of the movie “Mo Better Blues”, music feels more like something I want to pass on to Milo and future grandchildren as they get older, and gigs seem like something that’s more and more in the rear view mirror.

What I do know is this – I’m incredibly proud to be Milo’s granddad – I hope to spoil him with love and affection, and to always be there for him. That would be the best gift of all. And as a G-Man, I’ll always have his back!

For the very first time, I started to read all of my previous blog posts starting at the beginning, nearly four years ago. I put this off for a while, as I wanted to have plenty to read, instead of looking back every couple of months, or even annually. There’s definitely a lot of growth (mentally, spiritually, and maturity) since I started blogging….there are posts that I read and cringe, and there are posts that make me truly grateful. And to think, I used to have a crippling fear of writing term papers, but yet I’ve written over 150 blog posts!

Life has thrown its share of curveballs over these past four years, and having this outlet of putting my thoughts and feelings in an organized format has been incredibly helpful and rewarding, as I don’t feel the stress that I used to carry around constantly, because I kept things complete to myself. As much as I’m an introverted extrovert, writing this blog has allowed me to be more open with people on my own terms.

A heartfelt thank you to those who have shown their support of the blog, and to those who take time out of their busy lives to give it a glance. You have no idea of how much that means to me.

The next year is going to have plenty of new experiences….being a grandfather, more travel, and life with Otto of course…I hope you’ll all continue to follow me on the journey.