Lane's Back Nine – my online diary as a 55-year old

“The secret to being happy – be kind, be kind, and be kind.“ – Fred Rogers

At one of my previous jobs, the DISC profile was used to differentiate personalities in the workplace culture. It’s broken down into four different colors to represent personality traits: Red – Dominance; Yellow – Influencing; Green – Steadiness; Blue – Compliance.

Where the purpose of the DISC profile was foster a better culture by working through and embracing differences, the result was practically the opposite. People were very quick to either use their color as the excuse for their behavior (“I’m this way because I’m Red” was actually said to me….my response was “I’m Black the last I checked”), or to mock others for their different color. I had a co-worker named Karen who did this to me on more than one occasion during staff meetings. (Needless to say, I have not spoken to her since I left.)

How is it that in 2019, difference of color is still an issue? Growing up in Upstate New York, I was one of four Black students in my high school graduating class of over 200….I graduated from the Ithaca College School of Music in 1990, where I was the ONLY black student in my class. Sadly, people were quick to judge me as “white” because of how I spoke, and still speak….I’m a product of my upbringing – both of my parents were teachers, and they wanted my brother and me to grow up and thrive without hopefully having to face the racism they endured growing up in New England and in the Midwest. Even with their best efforts, I was teased by both my White and Black peers….add in a teaspoon of sexual abuse, and this pretty much gives you the answer as to why my self-esteem was so low for many years. It’s why I stopped playing sports in junior high (being constantly told that I had “White Man’s Disease all the time is the reason I rarely pick up a basketball to this day….fuck you, Mark Wilens and Eric Stein), and being turned down on more than one occasion for a date because of the color of my skin are things that I have had to forgive for my own sanity, but these are memories that are impossible to erase.

At Ithaca, I was referred to as “pseudo-Black” by other Black students, because there was a perception that I preferred to hang out with White students (ironically, this was when I was the bass player for our Amani Singers gospel group)…as a music major, between my classes, ensemble rehearsals (I was in four different ensembles at the time), working my part-time job, and squeezing in time to be the bassist, it was nothing more than a cheap shot. I’ve seen a few of these fellow alumni at recent events…I’ve chosen to take the high road and treat them with kindness instead of bringing up the past.

One very positive “color experience” I had during my time at Ithaca was finding out that I’m highly chromesthetic – the ability to relate different notes to different colors. Since being tested by the brilliant Professor Dan Novak in a Modes of Learning class back in 1988, this has changed the way I’ve played, sang, and listened to music for the past 31 years, and it has helped to recall positive memories related to music going back to early childhood. I’m thouroughly convinced that my other friends who have either perfect pitch or highly relative pitch are the same way. Certain keys/songs remind me of either sunny days, rainy days or snowy days, and when I can only listen to certain songs/albums during specific times of the year. This partially explains why I love to drive so much….for me, listening to George Benson’s “Breezin’” album on a perfect sunny summer day while on a road trip is one of my favorite life experiences, as it stimulates my senses of sight and sound to the extreme. Dr. Novak, I can never thank you enough!

Here’s a strange bit of irony….I prefer to be photographed in black & white…there’s more of a contrast with my skin color, and these photos always have a softer focus.

It sounds very cliche, but I wish that we lived in a world where colors were not such a source of division. I can’t help but think that difference of color could not have been an issue millions and billions of years ago, and that the racism of the world over the last nearly 300 years is barely a blip on the radar of the history of our planet (unless dinosaurs and pterodactyls had issues with being different colors)…it goes back to the basic principle – focus on the things we have in common instead of the things that make us different. (And please try not to argue about why Gb is grey, but F# is purple. 😉)

Saturday night’s upcoming gig.

Communication. (Letting the cat out of the bag in a GOOD way)

Self awareness.

The music of Lyle Mays.

Positive decisions.

Wearing my comfy sweater and my Levi’s.

My kale/pineapple/orange smoothie.

WORKING FROM HOME TOMORROW AND FRIDAY!! (and getting a floating day off in December! 😎)

One of the most valuable tools that I’ve learned in therapy is the importance of looking at situations (past, present and future) with a different perspective. This isn’t necessarily from another person’s point of view, but it’s more about finding my own different viewpoint.

I’ve always had a “black and white” outlook on things….very much the “don’t get on my bad side” point of view. More now than ever before, I have a better awareness of this part of my personality, and why I’ve always been this way. I have always felt like “I’m on defense”, and that nobody was ever in my corner. It’s sometimes been to the point where if I got it in my head that someone had an issue with me, I felt like they were already on my bad side, and they didn’t even know it.

Every day I now focus on “being in the grey” (it’s not just the beard color anymore!)….it’s looking at my past, the present and my thoughts for the future from a point of view that I’ve NEVER had before. This goes beyond forgiving myself for past mistakes or “hindsight is 20/20”…it’s the process of removing the words “either/or” from my vocabulary. I also heard a very powerful way of removing fear from my life during the sermon at my church jazz gig on Sunday. I’m trying to never say the word “because” – this enables fear, anger, self-doubt and stubbornness. How often I’ve said “I won’t do that because……” and by doing so, I’ve limited my focus to black and white.

Finding this new perspective is not easy, especially in the present and the future. Learning to look back on things from the past and better understanding what happened, why it happened, and how I could have thought and reacted differently is very healing….saying “I did this because” puts the black/white focus right out on the table, and looking for a different way of how I initially reacted/responded allows me to see things from my own different point of view instead of someone else telling me how I should have viewed it.

Doing this in real time is really hard….I’m still trying to retrain my brain to focus on the grey, and not be so quick to go into “black & white defense mode”….it’s the fear of being wrong or being so set in my ways that triggers that reaction, and people have been able to push my buttons pretty easily. It’s a process, and some days/instances are easier than others….there are still times when I’m strong in conviction on a decision or opinion, but I struggle to give a “grey” response, and my “black & white” answer can turn something positive into something negative pretty quickly.

My mom always used the phrase “Think twice, speak once”….because of my myopic outlook and attitude, I was always “Ready! Fire! Aim!”….learning to find that middle ground perspective has helped me tremendously this year with my friendships and my relationships with my family, even in very negative situations. (It’s where I found the clarity to write the email last week to mend fences for a friendship that I really didn’t want to lose.)

Reframing is helping me to put my life back into focus.

“Whatever you focus on expands your experience.” – Rev. Trish Hall

This is a “planned but unexpected” weekend…it could’ve been a FOMO weekend, as Jenn is away at a conference (with Miss Vitriol….sorry dear)…

Three great things have happened this weekend – first, I played a phenomenal gig in Charlottesville on Friday night as a fundraiser, and the other musicians and singers were incredible, both with their talent and their generosity. Not only did we have a lot of fun, but they’re interested in writing and recording tracks for my next album!

Second, my plans for Saturday fell through….this could’ve been a FOMO setback, but it became a JOMO (Joy of Missing Out!) breakthrough. I went to the gym, treated myself to a movie (Ford vs. Ferrari), and binge-watched Season 7 of The Ranch on Netflix. My mind stayed in a positive place, and I enjoyed having the day to myself.

Lastly, as I’m writing this, I’m in the car (as a passenger) on my way up to Avalon in West Virginia. Between the beautiful foliage on this sunny Sunday afternoon, and knowing that I’ll be unplugged from the world getting some quality R&R, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be today.

This weekend has been an opportunity to focus on a lot of positive things….and the experience has been wonderful.

We all have our goals of perfection in life, whether it be getting the perfect score on an exam or an audition, or our moments of being the hero by scoring the home run in the bottom of the ninth. For many years, I had this almost idyllic goal in my head, and not only was it not attainable, but it caused me to make a lot of mistakes in my pursuit of it.

I always wanted to play the “perfect gig” – this was not a gig of playing no wrong notes -this was a gig where everything musically sounded exactly like it does in my head. Most cover bands will “learn songs from the record”…..I’ve always taken this up a notch, almost to the extreme. To me, it was never about just learning the melody and the chords – it was about playing the song as authentically as possible to the original recording…..exact same harmonies, arrangements, instrumentation, keyboard settings, bass lines, you name it. My mistake was expecting everyone else to have the same focus on learning songs the same way. I got really spoiled watching Paul Shaffer and his band backing up different artists on Letterman every night, and always capturing the same nuances as the original recordings. Listening to groups like Earth, Wind and Fire and Tower of Power only made me want to be that much more of a perfectionist.

There was a band that I played with in Pennsylvania about 15 years ago….the name of the band was Red Hot & Blue, and they were a decent band playing cover tunes in Central PA. I’ll admit it – when I was in this band, I was a TOTAL ASSHOLE…they were playing this great repertoire of music, and I was beyond frustrated because in my head, the songs weren’t being played true to the originals. Sadly, I missed out on the simple, basic reason we were playing….we were playing to have fun. That has been one of my biggest regrets for the past almost 15 years.

I’m very appreciative when I receive compliments about my “Have Groove, Will Travel” solo album, as I’m glad that people still enjoy listening to it, and that I was able to complete something that I thought I’d never be able to do. I have a very hard time listening to it now, as it reminds me of my frame of mind back in 2005 when I was recording it. I had made this whole project into a pass/fail scenario – my goal was to become a backup singer for a major recording artist, and if that didn’t happen, the whole project was a failure. I tried to become an extreme perfectionist – recording songs multiple times, being very particular about how the musicians played certain parts, and how harmonies and phrases were to be be sung. During this time, my dad had passed away, I had a major falling out with my best friend Pat, my ex-wife was working on my last nerve, and I was being an asshole with Red, Hot & Blue. I still hear my “self-perceived mistakes” in each track on the record, and for the longest time I was obsessed with going back and re-recording certain parts on the master tapes they way I thought they should have been. In 2006, I had a nervous breakdown from being mentally exhausted. (For those of you who worked with me at Vanguard, this was the real reason I left.) I had just completed a project that I could have only dreamed about, and in now way shape or form did I enjoy doing any of it. And it damn near killed me.

My music goals are much simpler and more healthier now. I want to make another record, and my main goal is to have fun while doing it, mistakes and all….that’s exactly why it will be called “Absolutely Impurfekt”, as there is no such thing as perfection. (For the album cover, it’ll probably be me sitting on a bench, with a dog whizzing on a fire hydrant in the background….talk about imperfection!) I hope to make this album with my brother and my friends, as that would mean the world to me to laugh and make music with the people I care about the most. And although I’m not pursuing 100% perfection, there is one song that I’d like to do with authenticity, out of my incredible respect for the original artist, and how this song was a big part of my life growing up. The song is called “If You Were Mine” by Ray Charles, and I remember listening to this on 8-track with my older brother on many the occasion while riding in our ’68 Chevy Caprice with our folks….this has always been one of my favorites!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUmZ5_SAWR8

I LOVE being “L Train” – I’m not the front man – I can be the guy wearing an over-sized hat being incognito in the background, just playing his ass off…..and I no longer beat myself up about playing/singing wrong notes, or not playing the perfect solo….more often than not, I just say to myself “Man, I fucked that up!”, have a good laugh, and just keep on playin’. All of these musical goals are attainable, and I’m having a lot more fun now in my pursuit.

VITRIOLIC

Most people will sympathize

when others apologize.

This is just a plain and simple fact.

Constant darkness in your scene,

being cruel and oh so mean,

Is this how your always going to act?

Vitriolic, don’t have many friends

will not even try to ever make amends.

Vitriolic, never kind or warm,

you have all the sunshine of a thunderstorm.

Because of all the things you say

People want to walk away

It can be demeaning, vile and crude.

Climb that ladder, rung by rung,

Spewing acid from your tongue

Always getting off on being rude.

Vitriolic, speaking without care,

fire from your eyes with your Cruella stare.

Vitriolic, haven’t got a clue,

hope your ivory tower has an obstructed view.

Penurious with all your hate,

thinking that you’re really great,

while drowning in your ego and your pride.

Spouting fury, fast and loose

this is really no excuse

for all the ugliness you have inside.

Vitriolic, thinking you’re the boss.

Burning all your bridges will have such a cost.

Vitriolic, with your iron-fisted glove,

You are now the person no one wants to love.

VITRIOLIC.

An amazing weekend.

Hearing laughter that I have not heard in a long time.

The ability to say that “I was wrong” or “I’m sorry” without the overwhelming feeling of having to be defensive.

A nice car ride on a fall afternoon, listening to the Moody Blues “Days of Future Passed” album.

The support, love and caring of my family and friends.

Cheesecake.

The New York Giants bye week.

Knowing that I’ve made and will try to continue to make a positive difference in the lives of others.

This was an amazing weekend. I reunited and reconnected with a lot of friends that I don’t see very often, plus I got to spend time with my family.

It was pure joy to go to the Ithaca football game at the Meadowlands…to see close friends, and to also reunite with friends from college was truly a joy. It was nice to reminisce and talk about our journeys since our time at IC. Time truly is a great equalizer…there were people there from college that I wasn’t close friends with (or even friends with, for that matter), but everyone seemed genuinely glad to see each other.

I also got to see my brother Lee, my sister-in-law Margaret and my niece Claire. As Jenn and I don’t get up to Woodstock that often, it was a blessing for us to spend quality time with family yesterday.

This afternoon I got to spend time with a friend who is truly special to me. We’ve had our ups and our downs, but today we got the chance to catch up and talk. This meant a lot to me, as they are a friend in the truest sense of the word, and I hope they are a friend of mine for life.

Although it’s been nice to post a lot of pictures and video from the weekend, it felt good to actually talk and have real conversations instead of texting. After realizing the impact of FOMO, I realize just how much social media can be a trigger for me, and I probably won’t be on there much longer. I’m choosing to stay focused on my real friends and my family, as that’s what matters most.😊

Sometimes insomnia can be a good thing.

I’ve been up since 3am today….after a couple of hours of sending emails and realizing that drinking warm milk, counting sheep or putting on a Kenny G record would not put me back to sleep, I had an “a-ha moment” while deep in thought.

I thought about not only the importance of paying it forward, but also the importance of gratitude in the present.

I’ve been meaning to clear the air with somebody (not Miss Vitriol….that has the same odds as Hell freezing over), and I’ve been struggling for the longest time with what to say, and how to say it in a non-attacking manner. My first “a-ha moment” was realizing that I wasn’t seeing things in the big picture, and that I’ve been deep in the weeds about these issues.

I wrote this person an email today….it took 6 drafts and about three hours intermittently to write, but as I was writing and stating the facts of our disagreement, my second “a-ha moment” was that I needed to focus on the positives of our friendship, and how I truly value this person. It’s very easy for me to write with the emotional/negative slant.

In being honest with myself, I’ve always struggled with the ability to communicate when focused on the negative. My therapist calls this a “snow globe” moment, as when you shake up a snow globe, you can’t see through it clearly. The third “a-ha” was realizing the focus and determination to stay 100% positive while working through the negative. I still had to express my feelings, but it was a lot easier to do this without being in “snow globe mode.”

The biggest “a-ha” is the realization that of needing to use this same focus as I get through the holidays and winter in general….and the irony is not lost on me about getting rid of the “snow globe” to do so.

#movingforward #accentuatethepositive

“You know how Lane is.”

From my dad saying that to my teachers and my peers growing up, to my friends using that as an excuse to write me off, to the point that I was saying these to myself almost like a mantra in front of the mirror.

It’s been very easy to use these words to wallow in the negative. I’ve used these words as my excuse to not take risks, and as an excuse to accept my failures.

It’s not about wanting to be like somebody else….it’s about seeing myself in a more positive light. It’s the acceptance that I’m an “extroverted introvert”…there are times that I’m the one that lights up the room, but there are times when I sit quietly in the room, not because anything is wrong, but because I’m either deep in thought, or just enjoying the conversations around me. This usually turns into someone asking “What’s wrong with Lane?” followed by a response of “Well, you know how Lane is.”

I’m not shy, but that does not mean that I want to (or have to) be “on” for the enjoyment/amusement/entertainment of others. At the ripe old age of 50, I’m finally learning to accept my unique, quirky personality as a gift, not as a curse….if I’m learning and discovering more about who I truly am, how can anyone else define me so easily, and why have I let myself be so easily and incorrectly defined this way?

I like being a work in progress….I love having flaws, and I love that I can be creative and outgoing, but also thoughtful and reflective…..and I’ll be damned if anyone is gonna be so dismissive by trying to define me with these five words anymore. #absolutelyimpurfekt