For most of my life, things have felt hectic. Life has always felt like I’m doing 70 mph in a 55 mile zone. Like the hamster on the wheel, it’s been go go go, with no slowing down.
I watched an interview with Mister Rogers, and he made a point about the blank spaces and pages we see as we read books. It’s the silence that makes us pause and reflect what we’ve just read and experienced.
I’ve been thinking about my life in chapters….I know that my next major chapter will be retirement – only six more years to go! What I’ve come to realize is that I’m at the end of the chapter….
Convertible today…..RV tomorrow?
It’s not that I don’t ever want to play music again, but I’m scaling way back. If it ain’t fun, I’m not doing it. It’s not about the money or the attention. I’m happy just playing bass for my friend Octavia, or the occasional Cruise Control gig….other than that, I just love chillin at home with my dog. Simple and quiet…just like that blank space at the end of a busy chapter….
Being “in between chapters” has allowed me to think about what the next part of my life will be like….some of my friends and family know that I’m thinking about getting an RV. I wanna visit the “flyover” states and see parts of the country for which I have great curiosity. This piques my interest more than anything else right now, and I would’ve never realized this without taking the time to stop and reflect. For this I’m truly thankful for those blank spaces and blank pages that makes us slow down, with an attitude of gratitude.
Can’t you just visualize me and Otto rolling down the Highway in a tricked-out motor home?
We’re 28 days into the new year, and for the first time in years, I’ve made it more than a week without giving up my resolution. Fortunately, my resolution wasn’t to go back to the gym!
My resolution was based on a piece of advice that I heard prior to the end of last year, and it resonated with me in a BIG way – Learn from your mistakes, but don’t live in them. This is much harder than I thought it would be, but it’s more than worth the effort.
I’ve had friends reach out because I haven’t kept in touch….I don’t have any issues with them – I just don’t feel like revisiting parts of my life where there was a lot of negativity.
Happy New Year!
Some people don’t want to let go of the person I was and the mistakes I’ve made. I choose not to be stuck there with them anymore. In some cases that meant cutting ties. None of us are perfect, and we all have moments in our life that we wish we said or did things differently. I’m done replaying those moments over and over in my head, and I don’t tolerate those who purposely choose not to let those moments go, for the purpose of being self righteous and/or petty. It’s just not worth it anymore.
I still haven’t decided what I want to do musically going forward. Thank you to those who have inquired. I’m all honesty, I don’t want to do things the same way I’ve always done them. Part of me wants to go back to working with high school kids as an artist-in-residence, as it was a fun way to give back. As I’m “on the back nine”, I have no dreams of stardom or to win any awards – my job now is to pass on what I’ve learned, in hopes that it inspires at least one person. It’s another reason to look forward, not live in the past.
There’s still 11 months left in 2023, and a lot of time to try new and different things. There’s also time to figure out things that give me tremendous joy. With each day comes an opportunity – it can be to dwell and live in the past, or focus on being in the present. For 2024, I hope I’m at a place where my New Year’s resolution is to continue the positive experiences from 2023!
It’s easy to come up with a cliched resolution for starting the new year…..losing weight, reading x number of books, taking up a new hobby, etc. As 2022 (one of the toughest years of my life) comes to a close, I’m approaching 2023 with a tremendous opportunity instead of just a resolution goal. My opportunity is to grow after spending every year of my life feeling like I needed to change.
Change is something that is expected to be quick, and to meet the approval of others. There are a lot of people who are not a part of my life anymore because they expected me to be their perception of who I should be. Some people are no longer in my life because of their close affiliation to people who expected me to change. I don’t hate any of these people as they are who they are. None of them fit in my life anymore in the way I allowed them to be in my life.
Growth is constant, and it allows for us to make mistakes and learn from them on our own terms. It gives us the confidence to try new things and face our fears. It’s on our own individual timetables. As the new year begins, I’m continuing to seek out like-minded people who are supportive of my journey, not trying to make me take unnecessary detours to meet their needs.
May 2023 be a year filled with growth opportunities.
I have other goals for the new year, but that’s all they are…..goals. Lose a few pounds, read a few books, take up a new hobby. I know that growth is an opportunity for me, because I can’t define it. It’s an each-and-every-day opportunity, and there’s no finish line….it’s definitely a marathon, not a sprint.
Here’s to 2023 – may I have the opportunity to grow and flourish while reaching my goal shrinking down a few pounds…and let’s this be the only way that I change!
As rough a year as this has been, this brings me incredible joy.
“G” is in ‘da house!!
Instead of being “Grandpa” or any derivatives of that name, I’m keeping it on the cool side….just call me “G”….and yes, this means I’m gonna be a porkpie hat wearing, pipe smoking, argyle retro wearing, (Cadillac driving?), jazz listening cool-ass mofo of a grandfather!
I’m developing a love/hate relationship with organized religion. I love the religions that GENUINELY teach the importance of loving one another, regardless of race, gender, creed or preference. I have absolutely no tolerance towards any religious beliefs that preach division, or that one religion is correct or better than another. And I truly detest those who target a particular religion or group with hatred. This leads me to the world’s worst band name.
I will never understand Kanye West. I’ve always said that I’ve hated him, but now I say that I truly don’t understand him, as I completely disagree with his mindset and his “art”. His recent anti-Semitic comments make me beyond infuriated. They have no merit, no purpose, and it’s a sick way of staying relevant in the media. Andy Warhol is most likely rolling in his grave, as Kanye’s 15 minutes of fame cannot end soon enough.
How much longer must we live in such a world of collision?
I also have zero tolerance for those who use the Bible as a weapon, using passages taken out of text as their reason for spewing hatred. Between Westboro Baptist Church, Pat Robertson and all of the “Pray TV” ministers, I’ve never seen such a parallel between religion and addiction. It starts with peer pressure, leading to a false sense of reality, becoming a “I don’t have a problem….you’re the problem!” mindset, like their belief is the ONLY correct belief, but it’s practically ass backwards. People who follow blindly, and can’t see the destruction they’re doing to others as well as themselves. How is this different from addiction? These are the people I refer to as “Christoholics”, as it’s more of an obsession than a respect of all people.
As a society, until we move past this closed-mindedness, we will never progress and evolve. We see the “WWJD” situations every day, but yet we can’t agree on an answer. God (or whatever higher powers we choose) does not have a leader board like The Masters golf tournament, with one religion ahead of the other. And no religion deserves to be condemned. Who knows – perhaps if we didn’t have centuries of hatred, we’d be farther advanced in so many different ways.
As for Kanye and the Christoholics, they’re a band that should be permanently unplugged.
“We give the impression that all is well, trying to live all of the lies we tell.“ – Level 42
We all have things from our past that have either changed the course or direction of our lives, or that left a scar (physically and/or emotionally). Prior to losing my court case with my daughter, my emotional scar was from sexual abuse. I hid this from everyone (especially my dad) because of the fear of being shamed. Since the court decision this summer, I’ve been trying to keep a positive demeanor, but on the inside I’ve been a rollercoaster of emotions.
I’m trying to let the anger go of the racism, self-righteousness and hypocrisy that impacted the court decision, all while telling everyone around me that I’m fine, or acting like I’m fine to not be an annoyance. Truth be told, I’m not fine. I’m not in any type of danger of self harm, but I’d be flat out lying if I said that it’s no big deal or “it is what it is, and I’m OK with it”. I see pictures of family and friends with their kids, and I feel this incredible sense of failure. I love Otto like a son, but that doesn’t replace the void of not having Lauryn in my life.
It’s time to face the naked truth.
To those who have been incredibly supportive, I cannot thank you enough. To my immediate family, your love and encouragement has helped me with each passing day. I realize that I need to be honest….with myself.
I’m still healing, and need more time to heal. I’ve been doing things like impulse shopping to fill a void, and the void still feels as big as ever. It’s time to “sit in the uncomfortable” and deal with the emotions I’ve been trying to bury since the verdict.
It’s said that the truth shall set you free. I need to give this 100% effort….not just an approximation.
Although I haven’t hit the proverbial wall, I’m at a point where if I don’t make changes and step out of my comfort (stagnant) zone, I’ll lose my motivation to learn and to grow, and I’ll miss out on many opportunities for peace and happiness.
The first step is letting things go. As much as I was really looking forward to being on WPFW, I also realized that I wasn’t a good fit. My personality is very different than the other on-air talent – not better or worse – just different. I’d rather wait for an opportunity to be on a station where I can be myself than have to meet someone else’s expectations of being exactly like them. Maybe I’ll do a podcast instead. Turn, turn, turn.
I’ve enjoyed singing with Uptown Vocal Jazz, and I’m truly honored to have been a part of their last album. I also realize that it’s time to move on. I will be forever thankful to the late Andre Enceneat for asking me to take his spot in the group. The person who takes my place will not have to worry about filling such incredibly big shoes. After singing vocal jazz for the last 40 years, it just doesn’t get me excited anymore. I think I’d rather play and sing grunge at this point, just to do something different. Turn, turn, turn.
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven.
I’m closing my social media accounts at year end. This will also include Otto’s accounts. People who will want to keep in touch will not only make the effort to keep in touch, but they’ll also take the steps to contact me. Friends should not be defined by a list. Turn, turn, turn.
And finally, I’m renewing my focus on my spirituality. This is not about becoming born again, or doing a deep-dive into religion. It’s about being more in the moment and finding peace through all of the anxiety. I believe in God, but I will no longer tolerate people who tell me how I’m supposed to do it in a judgmental (evangelical) way. That is nothing more than verbal and emotional abuse, challenging others to meet false expectations. Our beliefs are our own, and I need to embrace my spirituality in a way I’ve never done before. Turn, turn turn.
I truly believe that I have not yet lived my best life, and that I need to know my truth. I’m not there yet, even though I thought I’ve been. Great things are just around the corner….how do I get there?
Lane's Back Nine - my online diary as a 55-year old 